


LIFE IN A BIRD CAGE

by BrownMouse



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Brotherly Love, Bulimia, Comfort, Cutting, Depression, EDNOS, Eating Disorder, Fluff, Friendship, Gen Work, Harry Styles - Freeform, Heavy - Freeform, Hurt Niall, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Liam Payne - Freeform, Louis Tomlinson - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicide, Niall Horan - Freeform, Niall-centric, Niam - Freeform, Nouis, OT5, OT5 Friendship, Original Character(s), Other, Panic Attacks, Poor Niall, Pro Recovery, Protective Liam, Protective Louis, Recovery, Relapse, Sad Niall, Self-Harm, Sorry Not Sorry, Spanking, Suicidal Thoughts, Zayn Malik - Freeform, daddy direction, gen - Freeform, platonic, this hurts to write, trigger warning, zianourry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-16 02:08:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21500095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrownMouse/pseuds/BrownMouse
Summary: Rattle, rattle, rattle, like a fucking broken record, a scratched old & sinister bully of a darn record, playing on repeat in Niall’s head.. Never ever giving him a minute of silence to retreat to.. Never a moment of rest.. Never a second in the God-damn world to be Niall once again. This was his life now..Now & forever - so he thought.Or - our sweet Niall is going through the stages & motions of a serious eating disorder. Forever hold my peace!
Relationships: Niall Horan/Zayn Malik/Liam Payne/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 70
Kudos: 86





	1. Blue canary

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in four years.. I hope it satisfies! To be honest it is quite heart-breaking.. but there will be joy as well! All relationships are friendships/brotherly love..  
> I don’t write boyxboy.
> 
> Major trigger warning! Please, this is not recommended to anyone who might find sensitivity relating to eating disorders and or mental illness. Warning is not to be taken lightly.. Look after your mind first & foremost!  
> Reach out for contact & support ASAP if you are feeling out of your depth with any given issue.
> 
> Comment & prompt below.. More chapters to come, but only if they are wanted! 😀👍🏼

‘Feel the pain, feel the burn, feel the pain, feel the burn.. You deserve the pain & the burn.. This is good.. Keep going - Go! Go! Go! Go!’ Rattle, rattle, rattle, like a fucking broken record, a scratched old & sinister bully of a darn record, playing on repeat in Niall’s head.. Never ever giving him a minute of silence to retreat to.. Never a moment of rest.. Never a second in the God-damn world to be Niall once again. This was his life now..  
Now & forever - so he thought.

“Feel the pain, feel the burn.. feel pain, feel burn, pain & burn, b-burn & pain.. b-burning p-painn!!” Niall coughed out that broken track record as he slogged it away on the bike, it wasn’t damn moving this stupid bike, stuck together in grey globs of plastic, planted stationary on the silicone black floor. He didn’t mean for his ranting to escape his mind and whistle through his panting lips.. Sweat poured down his temples, pooling and marbling into the tears that squeezed out of his blood-shot eyes.. How he was in pain, how he should stop for a minute! One right mind on his right shoulder, a little Niall with a halo and a cloak of gold & white, told him to stop & just listen!! Oh how the sweat is seeping down your neck Niall, down to the curve of your lower back.. You know what sweat means.. Toxins, unhealthy, unfit, overweight, morbidly obese, toxic bodily waste!! His other ‘right mind’ on his left shoulder sang seductively into his ear, whilst holding a pitch fork and stabbing him repeatedly in the side of his soft, fleshy neck.. Yuck.. Listen to him.. Listen to that guy.. He wants to help.. He wants to save you from your wretched, woeful self.

“Ok! Ok! Woah there, slow down Niall.. You busted your PB, so that’s great.. In fact you busted it about 5 minutes ago, so let’s take the foot off the accelerator eh? Haha! Have a little breather yeah?” Ash, his personal trainer bursted out the last sentence with a nervous laugh and a slightly too firm a thump on Nialls shoulder, in a daggy attempt to maintain his constant state of ‘bro-code persona..’  
Lucky for Ash’s persistence & inappropriate tendencies though, because a good hard shove on the shoulder was about the only way to get Niall out of his desperado state of mind.. In that moment, Nialls eyes fluttered open in shock, like he had been caught-dead in the middle of murder! “I-Yeah! Yeah sure, ok, I guess I’ll come back to-it in-a bit eh?” Niall blubbered incoherently.. Wheezing, laboured breath filled the space of the studio gym, where most of the band was having their PT sessions. “Yeah man, yeah.. I reckon it’s time to cool it off eh? You ok?” Ash responded, his normally happy-go-lucky mannerism replaced with something a little more serious.  
Niall gave a weak, left handed thumbs-up as the bike slowed down to a very steady pace within ‘cool down mode.’ Ash handed him a water bottle and watched as Niall chugged up 3/4 of it in no time. Then came a cool washer, once again Niall gratefully took it from his hands and laid it flat on the nape of his neck.  
“Thanks man, showering me in gifts today like no other!” Niall joked, trying to diffuse the strange eeriness that was radiating from Ash’s presence.. It was quite puzzling to say the least. “Ni, lets weigh in yeah? Probably about that time of the week don’t you think?” Ash responded, no hint of humour in his voice to be found. It was like a freight train, full steam ahead had rammed Niall flat and battered his body until he was no longer.. The utter repulsion of the idea, made him sick to his stomach.. Not today, please not today.

Niall could feel the colour draining from his face, leaving him ghostly pale & weak at the knees.. He managed to stumble off the bike & follow Ash around the corner, where the room opened up to expose long mirror-lined walls reflecting three of his band mates (all still hounding it out on various machines) and each of their trainers (either singing praises or kicking the butts of the boys, all the while still managing to hold in place their perfect ‘Hollywood’ candied white, fake as Ken Doll, cheesy-ass smiles..) God Niall was not in a good mood right now.. Not. At. All. In fact he could really take himself up on that fantasy he has had about throwing a brick in Harry’s trainers face.. Knock that smug, sadistic & obnoxious smile right into the oblivion where it belon- “Niall! Are you listening to what Ash is saying?” Liam’s voice thrummed loudly as he was brought back to the reality that he hated.  
Liam was sitting on a bench with two hand held weight plates in his lap, staring at Niall anxiously.. The other boys seemed to of quietened down as well & we’re watching on with discretion as they continued through their reps. “I-I’m just busting for the loo actually, I’ll be right back!” He fumbled, desperate for any kind of escape route. “Ni! Let’s quick check your weight, it’ll take just a second!” Ash pleaded, his face still held concern & Niall honestly didn’t know why. “Niall, can you come over here please? You will be done after this & you can go have a shower, ok?” Liam’s voice seemed softer this time, kinder.. He was now walking towards Ash & motioning for Niall to come join. How do I get out of this? How do I get out of this? His mind ticked over, though his body disobeyed & led him reluctantly towards them.  
He looked at Ash, who was slightly peering at Liam, who was directly looking at Zayn with an embedded frown laced over his forehead.  
Is this an escape route? Niall wondered a little too late. “Right! Well here it is.. Just let me tap on for you.. Yep, there we go, even zero now.. Hop on my friend!” Ash spoke light heartedly again for the first time in half an hour. Niall could almost feel Liam’s hand hovering behind the small of his back, ready to just push Niall onto the damn scales. Niall didn’t notice the way his breath quivered and his legs trembled as he stepped forward with a rock in the pit of his stomach, awaiting the evil that would be unveiled to him - and every other person in the bloody room. Tip-toe, ball, heel, one foot, balance.. The numbers soared and jumped around like a cat chasing mouse.. Other foot, tip-toe, ball, heel.. stand still.. wait. 

“Alright, ok Niall, lets hop off now.. There we go, you good?” Ash was the one to interrupt Nialls staring, eyes burning holes into the shiny digits between his feet. At 5’7 inches tall, now weighing 56kg, Niall wanted to vomit. Liam wanted to cry. Liam’s hand this time really was resting on Nialls lower back, guiding him away from the scale and towards the side of the studio that led into the private bathroom. He heard when Liam quietly mouthed something over his shoulder as he gently prodded Niall forward. The bang of weights started up again behind them & the hushed talking continued. You could cut the tension with a knife.. Niall was glad to get out of there.

“Let’s get a drink hey? Do want some water? Here have this first..” Liam handed him a plastic cup filled with watermelon coloured Gatorade, then went to retrieve Nialls water bottle. Niall hurriedly tipped the poisonous pink fluid into the trash can beside him, still leaving a tiny bit in the bottom of the cup so it seemed realistic enough. “Here Ni, have some water.” Liam reentered the room and handed him a bottle. “Try drink the rest of your Gatorade too.” The sigh that came from his older friends lips was one full of worry and confusion. Liam took a seat on the bench beside Niall, as he watched the blond boy sip away on his drink. “Ni.. I think you know what I want to talk to you about yeah?” Liam started, slight hesitation in his voice. Niall looked up from under fading lashes. “No Li, I didn’t realise you wanted to have a talk actually.. But can it wait? I’m about due to go back in for the rest of cool down, Ash will be waiting and-“  
“NO! Ash will not be waiting! No one will be waiting as you are finished for the day OK? We are going back to our hotel after you & I go get some lunch - It’s past 2pm and I haven’t seen you have any lunch yet.. In fact I didn’t see you have any breakfast either!” Liam sounded exasperated & Niall felt defensive & frustrated.  
“Well! I think you don’t get to tell me what to do! And I think I will be back off to finish my session now thanks very much!” Niall retorted, standing up on unstable feet, ready to march on out.  
“Did you not hear what I said?? No! You are finished Niall! Done! No more training today! Or tomorrow & do you know what? The next day is also in question! Were you even in the same room as me just before? Were you even looking at the same numbers! You are 56 kilos Ni! You are on the borderline of getting scary! You are unwell! What is wrong Ni! What is happening? I am so worried, so so w-worried!”  
Liam’s desperate voice cracked as small pools of tears welled in his deep, wise & caring brown eyes. Liam doesn’t cry? Liam does not cry! What on earth is he doing? Oh God, Oh God.. Nialls mind fled into its own hysteria.. Liam never cries - Niall cries - he is the crier! Liam protects him & comforts him, why is he crying!! Too much.. too much - he was gone.. Solid formed tear drops rolled down Nialls hollow cheeks and a whiny, heart wrenching sob wracked through his body. From that point, natural behaviour fell into place for the pair. As Nialls tears were shed, Liam forgot about his own.  
“Ohhh sweetheart, sweetie heart.. What’s wrongg.. Come here, come here.. Shhh..” Niall was pulled backwards into Liam’s arms, surrounded by strong love & protection.. His sobs were strangled and distorted, not even Niall had expected this pain to come forth. He closed his eyes as he leant into Liam’s chest, drenching the older lads shirt with snot & tears. The soft cooing surrounded Nialls senses.. The gentle kisses on top of his head were not gone unnoticed.. Liam was there for him no matter what.. Liam in all his wisdom & love.. Maybe he could talk to Liam.. His one & only Liam..  
Maybe.  
Just maybe..


	2. Somewhere with someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Niam best friendship/brotherly love only..  
> They are nothing more, nothing less.. Even if it don’t seem that way lol! I just love protective Liam.. ❤️

Niall shuffled out of the bathroom, freshly washed hair, comfy clothes on and his backpack slung over one shoulder - Liam had made him change out of his gym gear and freshen up so he wouldn’t be tempted to continue his workout with Ash & alongside the other boys. Liam’s hand was once again resting on Nialls back, guiding him towards the exit. “We’ll see you guys later..” Li spoke quietly to both Zayn & Harry. They both nodded, with what they thought resembled sympathetic smiles on their faces.. Really to Liam, it looked more like a nervous grimace. “Thanks again Ash.” Liam all but whispered, as the energy in the room was still a touch sensitive. “Anytime Liam! Ni? We’ll catch up again soon yeah? Take care ok?” Ash responded positively - always a good man to have around in a tense situation. Niall nodded, finding it already hard enough to avert his gaze from the floor, let alone reply to Ash’s question sufficiently. “NiNi, we’ll be back soon ok? We’re almost done here too! You go & relax with Liam for a while & then we can all meet back at the hotel later & have a lovely night in yeah?” Harry chirped, feigning an upbeat demeanour. Niall tried his hardest to look up at his other best friends & respond to them, but he faulted as soon as he saw the pain & the worry that was clearly plastered onto their faces. Instead, he nodded again, the same way he had done to Ash just a moment ago. This was hard.. He was uncomfortable & to be honest, he still didn’t really know why.  
“Alright then, lets go... See you soon!” Liam spoke louder this time, urging Niall forward with one hand placed on each of the smaller lads shoulders. Niall felt exactly like a young boy being picked up from school at the end of a long day.. He was definitely a little humiliated.

They were in the car now, Niall curled up into himself and looking a little stiff from the awkward position of the reclined seat..  
(Liam had insisted he lay back and rest..)  
They were pulling out of the gyms driveway now, & Niall wondered what Liam had planned for them to do.. He hoped to God it didn’t involve any type of food &/or any type of eating it. 

It was quiet for only a few minutes, Niall listened to the therapeutic hum of the soft engine whilst relishing in the scent of the peppermint air freshener - it was working wonders on his blocked sinuses.  
“Ni?... Ni?? Are you listening sweetness?” Liam’s voice cut through Nialls day dream and brought him back to reality...  
Food..? Liam’s driving - He said lunch didn’t he? Are we going to eat? Now? At a restaurant!? “No! I feel sick! Stop the car!  
I don’t feel well Liammm!! Stop the car!!” Niall rummaged his hands around the side of the door, desperately looking for the lever so he could swing it open. “Niall!! Stop!! Sit back! Stop it!!” Liam shouted loudly, reaching one of his hands over to yank Niall back into his seat all the while still trying to veer the car safely off road and into a stopping bay. Before the car had even come to a complete halt, Niall had flung off his seatbelt and shoved the door open, almost immediately falling to his knees on the concrete ground below and heaving up whatever could come.. (Whatever wouldn’t come more like it.) The lack of ‘anything’ in Nialls stomach was apparent right then and there. Stomach acid, bile, water, saliva.. That was it. Liam was there, Niall could see his knees bobbed down in front, just beyond the car door where Niall was seated, Liam’s hands were in Nialls hair, gently caressing his soft, blond tuffs, holding back any strands that fell forth. It didn’t take long for Nialls coughing & spluttering to subside, leaving him even more broken and confused than what he was previously. “Oh my boyy.. You aren’t quite well darling shhh.. It’s ok to cry.. hmm? I know..  
I know.. Li’s here..” He was folded into Liam’s shoulder now, obviously his suppressed emotions had reared their ugly heads.. I guess it was all out in the open then, wasn’t it? Nothing more to hide? Liam picked him up gently and lay him back in his seat, tissue was held to his nose & a sip of water to his mouth.. A lingering kiss to his forehead and they were driving again.. Back down the main road that eventually twisted onto the highway.. Black tarmac, wide, open space, glittering beams passing them, travelling at the speed of light.. Straight and narrow, stretching on forever..  
How long would they be driving?...  
All day? All night? All eternity?  
Niall knew that the time to talk - was now.

The radio playin me a song.. He thought..  
Is it a song for me? Yes.. it is.. as Niall didn’t believe in coincidence. Liam turned the volume up one more notch - so the quiet tune was like a butterfly kiss in the background.. Just barely there, but so perfectly obvious.. “Close your eyes sweet pea.. We will talk when you wake..”  
Liam had once again, read his mind.  
“Ok Li, I will... I will talk to you..” Niall sniffed, the words barely meeting Liam’s ears..  
The blond boy had no control over the lone tear that surfaced as the the songs lyrics sifted through the air gently..  
''''So why don’t we go... somewhere only we know...''''  
Liam sighed ever so softly as he listened to the sweet melody come to an end... He knew in that moment that he would go to the ends of the earth to help his little Niall, to fix his precious Niall - If it be the last thing he ever do.

Nialls song on the radio.. Somewhere Only We Know - By Keane.

I walked across an empty land  
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand  
I felt the earth beneath my feet  
Sat by the river, and it made me complete  
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin  
I came across a fallen tree  
I felt the branches of it looking at me  
Is this the place we used to love?  
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?  
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin  
And if you have a minute, why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go  
Somewhere only we know?  
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?  
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on  
So tell me when you're gonna let me in  
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin  
And if you have a minute, why don't we go  
Talk about it somewhere only we know?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go?  
So why don't we go?  
This could be the end of everything  
So why don't we go  
Somewhere only we know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Please comment if you would like to see this story continue on? Obviously the rest of the boys will be in on it all very soon!  
> Song reference is Somewhere Only We Know by Keane - I take no credit, I don’t own.  
> Niam best friendship/brotherly love only..  
> They are nothing more, nothing less.. Even if it don’t seem that way lol!  
> Thanks for reading! X


	3. Voice of the lamb

The throttle and thump of the car pounded Nialls head back and forth against the window he was trying to doze on.. No use - no sleep! He wasn’t entirely sure whether his inability to rest was due to the discomfort of the position he lay in, or if it was because of the inevitable conversation that was fast approaching & about to take place.. He decided it was the latter. 

“Ni.. Are you awake honey?” Liam’s voice echoed quietly around the car.. Niall rolled over immediately, stretching his seatbelt to an awkward angle around his curled up knees.. Looking directly up into Liam’s eyes, Niall spoke properly for the first time in hours.  
“Li, I want to go home.. I don’t want to be any where else.. I don’t feel comfortable, I want to be back at the hotel.. It’s been a big enough day already and I am not sure I can-“  
“Niall - Why don’t you sit up in your seat and have a look where we are?” Liam interrupted as soon as he could get a word in. Niall pushed himself onto his forearms, gazing outwards & upwards towards the dazzling black hotel set in the middle of L.A city - OK so maybe he wouldn’t refer to this as ‘home’ but it was the closest thing to the familiar, comfort he could get right now.. They had been staying here for 2 weeks already & at least all his boys were here too. Niall smiled back at Liam, grateful that his friend hadn’t actually followed through with the threat of lunch out at a cafe.  
Liam raised one eyebrow & shook his head to let Niall know that he hadn’t just ‘forgotten’ the whole scenario! “Look Ni, I was going to take us out to eat, but you’re right, it has been a big enough day already & I figured we will just start again tomorrow ok? But you have to promise me that you will sit down & talk to me once we get upstairs - No running off to your room & we are all sitting at the table for dinner tonight too.. Understand?” Liam’s firm tone provided clear instruction, Niall was too intimidated to question it. “Ok Li - Thanks Li..” He murmured awkwardly, not use to having such a reign of dominance casted over him.  
They drove through the coded gates and into the under ground private parking. Liam guided Niall out of the car, into the elevator - straight to the top & into the penthouse.. The protective and anxious energy that Liam radiated was almost causing friction against his skin, but still, he guided the younger boy with one hand always making contact, no matter what.

“Ohh Hell.. That’s not good..” Louis mumbled from the couch - one palm pressed to the side of his face, elbow leaning on his knee. Liam had just retold him the events of the afternoon & how he still needed to get to the bottom of what was truely going on in Nialls head.  
“So it’s an eating disorder Li.. I don’t think we need to research or interrogate him for hours more when it’s quite blatantly obvious that’s what it is..” Louis groaned, hardly pleased with the outcome of the diagnosis it was most likely to be. “You can’t just assume that’s exactly what’s going on Lou! You aren’t a Doctor! It could be anxiety or depression or maybe a stomach issue! Maybe it’s IBS! And it’s turning him off his food!” Liam for some reason sounded hopeful.. Louis peered up at him with both eyebrows raised in question.. “Well any of the above hardly sound pleasant Liam! Let’s hope its not any of them!” Louis groaned in response, shaking his head at the younger boys antics. “Well there IS something wrong with him Louis! And I am not going to sit around & wait to find out! He needs to see a Doctor.. and quickly!”

Nialls head was spinning as he tilted it back into the empty space between his shoulder blades and let his gaze draw patterns into the ceiling above.. Steam rising up from the heat of the water that cleansed him - the same steam that clouded his body beneath him & relieved his eyes from what he would’ve seen.. The enormous planes of skin the stretched and sagged and gorged around his bones.. He closed his eyes and willed it away... willed it away... willed it away...  
Tap, tap, tap! The rapping on the bathroom door broke Niall from his elusive trance, he sighed, frustrated that they had broken the only moment of glittering peace that he had found within the last day. “Niall! You’ve been in there for thirty minutes! Can you hop out now?” He wasn’t sure who’s voice that was to be honest.. Louis’ possibly?  
The shower slowed to a trickle & Niall closed his eyes again, fumbling out of the shower, past the mirror & straight into the wall where he yanked down a fluffy white towel that hung, awaiting his presence. He avoided any direct eye contact that his body begged for and dried & dressed as quickly as his squinted vision would allow.

Taking the small set of three blonde timber steps that stretched throughout the whole length of the apartment felt like an effort on Nialls legs.. He fought the urge to turn back around and take them up & down at a run ten times.. The only reason he was fighting the urge was because all four boys were situated throughout the living room & kitchen, all in direct view of Niall and obviously all well aware of his state. “Niall bear!” Harry yelled cheerily from his place (legs tangled & sprawled) stretched out on the suede brown lounge, the over-the-top XXL plasma screen telly flickering brightly & reflecting on his face.. The room was dim, glowing an amber orange from the various lamps that shone from different corners.. The summer sun was setting ever so softly & gave the ambience of wine & cheese happy hour.. Or in most of the boys cases, beer & pizza? Nope to that! Niall thought.. He would have to pass on both.

Glancing up at him, from his place behind the kitchen bench, knife in hand, unskilled with the way he was dicing tomatoes.. Louis’ usual radiance was missing. Liam - similar, next to him (albeit noticeably more skilled with his slicing techniques..) still somber faced & bleary eyed. Louis’ face shifted to a warm smile, though Niall could see that it didn’t nearly touch his eyes. “Yes Ni bear! Welcome!” Lou beamed, holding up a half empty beer bottle in his left hand. “Want one lad?” He gestured to a fresh glass of liquid gold - Nialls favourite.. Oh how he wanted one.. SO SO badly. “I’m ok Lou, thanks though..” He mumbled, pushing down on his stomach as his insides gurgled & protested loudly when he spoke the words. He turned away from the two older boys just as they were about to interrupt. Shuffling over to the TV area, he chose to sit by Zayns feet at the end of one lengthy couch.  
Almost immediately Zayn shifted his position around, so he was now sitting cross-legged..  
His two palms patting his lap, staring at Niall intently. “Lay down Ni, I’ll give you a head rub” Zayn murmured, his eyes kind & understanding. Niall didn’t need much encouragement.. His energy was low.. He was slipping away.. Spells of vertigo flowing in and out of his ears. “That’s it baby.. Shhh.. I got you..” Zayns voice hummed & whispered as Nialls head thumped against his lap.. The feeling was best described as being drunk? Head whirling, nausea occupying every inch of him, on the verge of tears - he wished his life away.

He woke to the gentle stroking of his hair.. He had fallen asleep on Zayns lap - he had no idea how long for, but he could definitely smell something that was ready & waiting in the oven. “Just give him one piece on a plate, maybe cut it up into a few smaller bites? He could hear Louis & Liam ‘talking food’ in the kitchen & he inwardly rolled his eyes. Zayns breath sounded closer to his ears now.. “Niall? Ni buddy? Time for dinner.. C’mon..” His older friend prodded him, gently trying to lift Niall up into a seated position. Harry was already halfway through his own family size pepperoni pizza, eyes still glued to whatever ball sport was playing on the TV in front of him.  
Niall didn’t have time to protest as Zayn dragged him off the couch and towards the dining table, Liam had already set down a plate with a small portion of pizza.. mixed toppings - he couldn’t tell what style they were going for with the choice of pineapple and chicken but either way, the inviting aroma hit him like a ton of bricks. Louis had moved to the other head of the table, sliding his own plate down & relaxing into his seat, immediately breaking into his first slice with a sign of content. Niall was still standing, Zayn at his back & Liam by his side, holding his chair out expectantly.. “Here you go.. Have a seat Ni..” Liam’s mind ticked over, chasing its self in circles & working itself up into a nervous frenzy.. Niall was a stunned-mullet.. Unmoving, unspeaking.. Liam could see exactly where this was going.. That’s if he didn’t put his foot down first! “Niall - Sit!!” The abruptness of Liams voice hit the ceiling.. As if the room wasn’t already tense enough. Niall stiffened in his unmoving stance.. jaw locking & eyes welling with tears. “That’s it!” Liam moved to approach Niall with reasonable force. “Li! I don’t think that’s the best-“ Zayn went to cut in, almost trying to pull Niall gently back into his arms. “No! There is no other way Zayn! He won’t eat if he is not made to! Now SIT! D-OWN! N-Niall!! Liam struggled to get Niall to comply.. Nialls strength was meek, he could’ve never gone up against Liam on a good day, let alone now. He submitted through sheer defeat.. Perching on the edge of the seat. Liam & Zayn had already slid in chairs beside him & were both taking their places.  
Liam’s hand was now resting on Nialls tenderly.. His eyes sad & regretful. “Ni.. Please talk to us..” Louis spoke from the other end of the table, leaning forward as if Niall was about to utter precious final words. Harry had turned the volume right down on the TV.. Listening in to the conversation with flitting eyes, obviously trying to be discreet but failing miserably.  
“Niall.. It’s ok buddy.. You know you can tell us anything!” He said from his place on the lounge, turning around and craning his neck uncomfortably.. But his eyes were desperate and earnest.. Niall knew Harry only had his best interests at heart.. He knew he could tell them anything.. But did that mean he wanted to? Did he want to give all this up? The obsession.. The addiction.. The pain.. The unknown.. The control.. The love affair he was having with himself...? The feeling...?  
He could feel... This life he had created for himself gave him something to work for.. Something to strive towards..  
That wonderful feeling - of adrenaline.

They managed to get him to swallow two bites.. Just two bites of an already ‘far too small’ slice of homemade pizza. He could see the heart-break in their eyes.

He knew he had to talk & he knew how much he wanted to say & how much he wanted to leave out.. Niall had tactics.. It wasn’t going to be this easy to get him out of the habits that had come to rule his life. “I don’t know what to say.. I think I am just feeling under the weather & stressed, run-down you know.. All that.. Maybe it’s made me lose my appetite?” Niall quivered, not overly confident in how convincing he sounded. “Don’t give me that shit Niall!!” Louis rose his voice, cheeks flushed, like two glowing red apples. “Niall, honey.. I think we are all just so worried.. We don’t know how to handle this.. We want to help you but we need you to be honest with us ok?” Zayn offered a more subtle approach, all the while eyeing Louis off & sending small daggers in his direction. “Look Ni - sorry I yelled.. But just give it to us straight mate.. We all know how much weight you’ve lost.. You are unhealthily thin! You aren’t eating anything besides what? A piece of fruit every now & then? You’re just not yourself anymore & quite frankly we are all scared shitless!” Louis sounded helpless.. And Niall did feel the guilt raise its head at that point, as he looked into his oldest brothers caring eyes.  
“Ni baby.. Please, I want to take you to the Doctor tomorrow ok? We will just go for a quick appointment.. Get you on the mend yeah?” Liam hummed, his hand still covering Nialls affectionately. Niall was tired, he would’ve kept talking, he would’ve kept going at it, but his body was slipping, his head was pounding from dehydration & his stomach uneasy from the small amount of pizza they managed to get in his mouth. “Mm-Kay..” Niall mumbled in response, not bothering to look up to meet the boys’ faces. “Ohh Ni.. I’m proud of you.. We’ll get onto this ok? Get you all better!” Liam had him wrapped in a hug & he could feel Zayn’s fingers running through his hair. Niall closed his eyes & leaned into the support of his brothers. “I love you..” Nialls voice sounded - it was softly broken.. an unexpected sentiment to come from his mouth at this time. The boys were silent, just for a moment, basking in the endearment that they felt when they heard Niall utter those words. “We love you too dearest..” There was rocking and shifting as Niall found himself resting his cheek on Liam’s shoulder, legs loosely wrapped around the older boys middle, Liams hand still pressed against his back, gliding up & down, soothing him to sleep. He could faintly hear dishes being stacked & the gentle murmur of conversation..  
“Thanks for dinner you two.. It was great!“  
“Save Nialls on a plate Harry.. Don’t chuck it!”  
“Might put him in my bed.. Yep ok goodnight..”  
“Nigh nigh Ni-bear.. Sleep well..” The voices he loved most faded into the distance as he felt the sway of the stairs underneath Liam’s feet. 

Niall couldn’t believe how spoilt he was right now.. Eyes closed for the most of it.. He found himself pajama-clad and tucked into cosy blankets.. A kiss on the cheek was all it took to send him up & away.. He was fast asleep by the time he had counted five sheep, they bounded further, deeper into the dark sky, skipping through the clouds & dodging the stars - they followed him into his dreamland. There were still five.. all of them bright & lively.. Each of them jumping over the moon in their own unique sequence. He watched as five turned to four. One of them had wondered off & the others were aimless & distracted. Now they were missing their leap of the moon - ducking & swerving instead. Eventually there was no longer a moon to jump over. They abandoned their source of light, to go & stumble through the darkness, all to find one lost soul. Their friend gone astray..  
The one who had wondered off.. Knee deep in the black void, alone & afraid.. He didn’t shout & he didn’t call.. But burried down, underneath, in his heart, he truly hoped that they wouldn’t stop searching until they had found him.. And he knew that once they did, they would never leave him alone again..  
He slept soundlessly.. Dreamlessly after that.. Content with the pure knowledge, that there would come a day where he would be rescued.


	4. CUE; MELTDOWN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where on earth did he want to channel all this energy? The answer was simple.. Would he channel it into life? Or... would he channel it into death? Niall shrugged it off, he would have to think about it tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is an emotional roller coaster.. Bear with me.. This is the reality of mental illness & show cases how much it can take a toll on relationships & your sense of awareness. Surround yourself with the ones you love & the ones that love you! XX

The break of dawn was 5am.. A strand of orange sunshine was seeping through a small gap between the tall curtains, sprawling patterns of light on Nialls one exposed leg. He shuddered at the thoughts that whirled through his mind.. The memories of the last day were surfacing, dumping themselves like tidal waves. Also, this bed wasn’t his.. A different smell.. Not to Nialls distaste though.. It was a comforting, familiar scent.. He wished he could nuzzle his head back into the dark of the pillow & sleep the day away, right here in Liam’s bedroom.  
Liam... Shit!  
Niall rolled over abruptly, leaning up on one elbow, squinting in his semi-conscious state..  
Yep, Liam was here, facing Niall, sheet pulled to his chin. His eyes were closed softly but there was a slight grimace in his expression.. Not the most peaceful of dreams Niall assumed.  
He sat there for a couple of minutes, staring at Liam & running through the present days food & exercise regime with detail. Where would he start? And how would he start? By 5am Niall would always be up, getting changed & lacing his running shoes.. By 5:30 he would be on a treadmill or down an outdoor distance track. Today was no different he decided. Just because the boys had interceded yesterday, did not mean he had to abandon his daily routine & stay within their sights.. ball & chain.. no thanks.  
He rolled over & sat up, legs dangling over the side of the bed, looking back at Liam he slowly & painfully made his way to his feet and crept towards the door. He knew how door handles worked.. They were the loudest mother fuckers on the planet, especially when you needed them to be quiet.. Oh especially then! Niall cringed like he had eaten a lemon as the squeak of the hinges echoed around the room. Fuck!  
Of course Liam was on high alert.. Daddy fucking Direction. Niall almost rolled his eyes as he watched Liam shifting about, coming to his bearings. “Ni? What are you doing?” Liam reached over to the bedside table & fumbled with his phone quickly, pulling it off the charger. “It’s.. 5am!” He could hear the exasperation in Liams voice. Niall sighed & tried to gather his composure. “Go back to sleep Liam.. I am just going to my bed.” He realised how blaśe he sounded as he spoke.. Oops, maybe he should’ve feigned delight! Sarcasm was eating him up today.  
Liam was sitting now, looking ready to barge over at any moment. “Niall, I am not stupid. No way are you going for a run this morning.. Nor the gym either! We spoke about this yesterday..” His voice was so stern, it was almost trembling. Liam walked to the curtains, drawing one back, just enough so he could see Nialls face. There they both stood, looking at each other. Nialls thin frame held a loose white t-shirt and plaid winter pajama pants.. In the middle of summer Nialls lips were of a blueish tinge and his skin an icy pale. The reality hit Liam like an avalanche.  
His baby was dying.  
Anxiety flooded Liam’s chest, closing his throat & sending panic to all his nerve endings.  
No no no no no! He was frozen for just a moment as Niall turned to leave, yanking the door open & storming up the hallway.  
“No you don’t Niall!!! Did you hear me!!!” Cue melt down mode.  
Niall was frantic as he rushed towards his own room, Liam’s voice thundered behind him & Niall would be lying if he said he didn’t almost wee himself. Before he could reach out and open the door, he was encased in a large set of arms that were stronger than Nialls whole body weight combined. “Nahhhhh-Noooo!!” The screeching wails that left the younger boys mouth were definitely enough to wake the rest of the lads plus some!  
“Don’t you!! SHHH!! Don’t Niall! QUIET!!!” Liam’s hand was covering Nialls mouth now, fighting the younger boys struggling with just a small amount of difficulty. He felt Louis’ presence without even glancing over. “Woah Ni!! It’s okay! Come on lad, come on!” Louis was beside Liam, holding Nialls hands down against his sides.. When they slipped out of his grasp, Niall yanked them up to his head & reefed the blonde tuffs, tearing them from his scalp.. Locks of hair floated to the floor and Nialls screeching turned wet, as tears of pain flooded into the mix. “LOU! Grab his hands!!!” Liam’s voice boomed, he was anything but calm himself. “Babyy.. It’s okayy.. Just breathe.. Shhhh..” Zayns voice was close to Nialls side. “Oh my God... Ni.” Harry was whimpering from a little further away. “It’s ok Haz.. Can you go ring Paul?” Niall couldn’t distinguish the voices from one another anymore. He had exhausted himself & couldn’t fight any longer. He once again found himself, head lolled on Liam’s shoulder, legs not on the ground, but boosted up around Liam’s waist.. Why did they insist on picking him up these days? Rubbing his back, up & down, cooing into his ear, swaying him gently.. Were they getting off on this or something? He was not a baby!  
“Let m-me goooo!” He sobbed.. and internally he winced, because yes, he did indeed sound like a baby. “Shushh.. darling it’s okay.. You need to go back to sleep for a little while..” Zayn was rubbing his back, standing to one side of him and peering into Nialls eyes. Niall could hear Harry talking on the phone, which was then passed to Louis. They were walking back to Liam’s room, where he was laid once again into the soft blankets & tucked under. Zayn bobbed down on his knees in front of Niall.. Whilst Liam took a seat on the bed.  
Tears were streaming down the smallest boys face.. Distraught & triggered by the simple fact that his day had been ruined because he had missed his morning run.. and it was all their fault!! He sobbed louder, choking slightly on his own saliva, he let the words that Liam had spoken sink in..  
*No running today.. No gym either!!*  
“Good God..” Zayn sighed, tipping his head back and closing his eyes, seeming as though he had sent a prayer to heaven. “Niall please.. Ni come on sweetheart.. Calm down now..” one of them hummed, topping it off with a kiss to his head. It took another five or so minutes before Niall could breathe enough to form just a small & easy sentence.  
“I hate you..” He whispered..  
It didn’t need to be said any louder.. To both Liam & Zayn it was as though a grenade had exploded right beneath their ear drums. Their faces wore beaten expressions, as though they had just been slapped by an abusive Father.. Or worse, it looked as though they had been stabbed in the heart with a sword,  
in which was driven into the flesh by a friend.. A best friend.. Their best friend..  
Who happened to be..  
Himself.. Niall.  
Oh fuck.. What had he done. 

He hadn’t been treated with half as much TLC from the minute he had told Liam & Zayn he hated them. Now he was sulking & moping.. He was all the grey, stormy clouds in the world, gathered together & raining on their parade - literally - raining on their parade. They had to cancel the days jobs which included a number of interviews, a press conference, a live stream of them performing their newest single and a Meet & Greet.. All were being rescheduled for the following day. Now they were in the car being chauffeured to a clinic just outside of the hospital.. How did he manage to let himself get here.. Fuck he was angry at them! His eyes bore holes into Liam’s seat in front of him, he thought about kicking the back of it a few times, just right about THERE where Liam’s ass would feel it! Fuck you Liam! He could feel Louis’ eyes trained over him from where he sat in his seat beside.. Oh yes, and FUCK you too Louis! All this anger was being released within Nialls head of course.. God-forbid he actually say out-loud what he would like to say! Not without having to deal with the wrath of them! He wouldn’t be surprised if they would wash his mouth out with soap or threaten him with the wooden spoon! He could imagine that Liam wouldn’t hesitate to go all ‘Ms. Trunchball’ on him & lock him in ‘The Chokey!!’ He was SO Matilda in this situation.. Seriously though! WHAT AN ASS HOL- “Niall!!” He was knocked out of his thoughts, quite rudely mind you, by Louis shoving him on the shoulder. Niall turned to glare at his oldest friend, who had both his eyebrows raised & his lips pursed in a ‘don’t mess with me’ kinda way, “We’re here! Let’s go!”  
Niall rolled his eyes.. What a control freak. He shuffled along beside Zayn & Harry, and distanced himself as far as he could from Liam & Louis. Paul was there waiting outside the entrance to the clinic, there was another fancy car there too, unlike the big Rover they came in, this one was a sleek sedan.. He wondered how that was going to work on the way home.. He pictured them all squished in there.. Normally that would be ok.. But not today.. That was far too close for comfort if he was going to be placed next to Louis or Liam.  
“Right! So Niall, I am guessing Liam will go with you to your appointment? The rest of you can actually jump back in the- “NO Paul! Liam’s not coming!! Neither is Louis!” Niall squawked, even shocking himself at how loud his voice came out.. Luckily enough there was no one else within the parking lot & there seemed to be two security men closing the gates, preventing any further traffic or people from entering. “I’ve right about had it up to HERE with your attitude Niall!! We are trying to help you!! So stop being a spoilt little bit-“ Louis was forced to silence when Paul brought his fist down. “That’s it! Shut up Louis! You are all being spoilt brats & I am interceding! Liam, Louis, Zayn - back to the Rangie! Harry go with Niall, you guys will jump in this car when your done & head over to the studio. Seems as all press has been cancelled for today, you can at least go & get some tuning in.. Do you all understand me? I bloody well hope you do!”  
“You’re kidding! No offence Harry, but I don’t think it’s best to leave somebody else’s health & fate in your hands! Paul, be serious!” Louis was the only one that had the guts to say it.  
“I would do plenty fine thanks Lou!! In fact, i’m the only one who hasn’t made Niall cry today like all of you lot! Shouldn’t it be Nialls decision anyway!?” Harry finished, and he was right.. he was the only person that hadn’t made Niall cry as of yet. “Like hell its Niall’s decision! He can’t even feed himself! If it was up to HIM, he wouldn’t even BE here getting an NG tube in!”  
The boys collectively cursed under their breath.. “For fucks sake Louis..” Zayn whispered.. and Liam was shaking his head into his hands. If Nialls mind wasn’t already frantic, it was beyond that now. “A WHAT TUBE!?!” He squealed, shifting his gaze between all five of them. “Boys. Leave. Now. Like I said before, that’s what we’re doing.” Paul was infuriated, you could just about see the steam coming from his ears. Zayn was tugging Louis away from the others, back towards the Range Rover they had arrived in. Liam quickly turned to Niall & before the younger boy could react, he was planted firm against Liam’s broad chest. “I know your angry at me.. but just.. be brave sweetheart.. I love you..” He whispered, his voice unstable, sounding on the verge of tears. “L-Li!” Niall whimpered out, immediately the feeling of guilt & regret choked him up. “D-don’t leave! I didn’t mean it! What are they going to do to m-me?” He was sobbing again.. God he hated the sound of his own cry. “I know baby.. Be strong, it will all be over soon & i’ll get to see you this afternoon okay?” Liam peppered his head with kisses & wiped his own tears away. “Go on now, you hold onto Harry..” Liam was prying Nialls hands from where they were locked onto his waist. “Let him go Ni.. C’mon, you know i’ll look after you!” Harry spoke gently, as if Niall was a timid Puppy that was being separated from its Mother. Nialls hold was shifted from Liam’s waist to Harry’s arm, he glued himself to his new safety person (for the time being.) “Go! Quick!” Paul whispered to Liam, Niall guessed he wasn’t meant to hear that. “See you shortly Niall.. Be good!” Liam spoke one last time, as he walked backwards towards the car, blowing a soft-hearted kiss in the younger lad’s direction. Niall was led by Harry & Paul into the clinic.. He wasn’t sure what type of clinic this was.. But it definitely didn’t seem likely to be a General Practitioner. Paul was already talking to someone at the front desk in a hushed and urgent manner.. They were nodding profusely & tapping away at their keyboard, eyes never once diverting from Paul’s face. Harry guided Niall towards a lounge in the furtherest corner.. “Do you wanna sit?” Harry asked, a small & sympathetic smile gracing his face. Amongst all the tension & angst, Niall almost laughed. Harry had just asked him if he wanted to sit! Like, asked him if he wanted to do something on his OWN accord! Treated him like the adult he was instead of morphing into yet ANOTHER Father figure & bossing him around.. (he did not need anymore of that shit!) “What’s wrong?” Harry gave him a peculiar stare, as though he had just seen the Mad Hatter. Much to Nialls surprise, a small giggle escaped his mouth. “Nothing Haz.. It’s just.. I always forget what a breath of fresh air it is to get away from.. you know.. the others..” He said sheepishly, glancing down at his hands & fiddling with his fingers. Harry hummed in agreement.. “They just really, really care about you Ni.. Take it as a compliment! You make them crazy!” Harry smirked & playfully knuckled Nialls hair with his fist. Niall laughed again.. It was music to Harry’s ears. “And I care about you too buddy! So so much! I am just.. Well.. a more level-headed, well-rounded & balanced human being I guess.. Actually, I am a Wizard so I guess they can’t really compete.. That’s not fair play is it? I knew I would get busted for this eventually!” Harry gasped, laughing at his own joke like the dork he was. “Shutup you’re such a dag! I’m pretty sure fans made that up for you!” Niall snickered and elbowed Harry innocently. “You just wish you were half as funny as me, my friend!” The younger boy responded, elbowing Niall back. “Sharp as a knife Hazza.. Sharrrp as a knife!” Niall rolled his eyes, and yes, there was a small smile spread across his face now.. “Told you I wouldn’t make you cry!” Harry pecked a quick kiss to Nialls temple. “Don’t speak too soon mate..” The blonde lad mumbled, he wouldn’t go as far to say he was feeling optimistic about what was to come.. What, with this NPO tube thingo or what ever the fuck it was called.. Either way, it sounded nasty. Niall felt a hand rest on his back, there were the slow moving circles again.. I guess Harry still had a little of the others influence in him.. No matter how hard Haz tried to be ‘normal’ with Niall, sometimes it was still too hard.. He couldn’t ignore it 24/7.. Nialler was his baby too! “It’s gonna be okay NiNi.. I’ll be with you the whole way, I can even hold your hand if you like...?”  
Harry told him he wouldn’t make him cry.. But that ship had just set sail.. Nialls bottom lip wobbled before a lone tear made its way down his cheek. “I don’t want this Harry..” he cried, so quietly, Harry had to strain to hear. “I know, I know..” That’s all he said to comfort Niall as he pulled the fragile boy into his embrace. “I know baby.. But we all want you here.. So you have to fight & you have to be brave.. Like Liam said.. Remember?”  
Niall couldn’t find his voice any longer, he just nodded into the crook of Harry’s neck & let the tears rain down. 

Niall was hospital gowned & reclined in a bed on wheels - sitting and staring at the wall. Yes Harry was next to him, but no, he was not holding his hand! He had lied to him! They had lied to him!! All of them! The ‘clinic’ was sort of more like a PSYCHIATRIST’s office.. And the ‘quick appointment’ was more like a 3 day stay in the hospital next door! The fucking NG tube Louis spoke of (proving he knew of the plan all along) was short for Nasogastric Insertion Tube.. Which the Nurse explained would be attached to a bagful of ‘Nutrition’ as she so kindly put it & would be fed up into his nose, down the back of his throat & further along until it found its place of rest..  
His stomach.. Fuck all.

“You’re gonna be okay Nialler, it’s just a-“  
“Shut up Harry! You don’t get to talk! You lied to me! You knew this was going to happen all along & you tricked me! What kind of friend does that!?” Nialls voice was cracking like shards of glass, his vision blurring and his head spinning.. They had just given him some sort of gas to mellow him out, it hadn’t seemed to become effective yet. “The kind of friend that wants to see you live Niall! They just diagnosed you with Anorexia! People die from that!” Harry’s voice sounded just as broken. They didn’t get to continue arguing for much longer.. Niall let a couple more tears squeeze from his greying eyes.. He felt zonked.. sad & angry & scared & blahh.. & sleepy.. so so sleepy. He didn’t even try to flinch away when he heard Harry sigh & scoot towards him, taking both their hands and knotting them together. There was another person in the room now, two more actually. Nurses. One of them carrying the bagful of ‘Nutrition’ *cough cough-POISON!*  
The other was wheeling a stand and holding a bunch of tubes and leads.. It felt like Niall was sitting inside a set of a horror movie. His head lolled over to rest on his shoulder and gaze up at Harry *Get me out of here! Get me out of here!* Of course, his mouth seemed to have broken since they gave him that weird funnel with the funky tasting air. Harry’s face looked slightly.. amused? But guilty, definitely guilty..  
I very well hope he feels guilty! Damn right he should! “Niall babe, listen to the Nurse ok?” Harry’s smirk was still there.. odd.. maybe the Nurse was.. topless? Niall rocked his head the other way & was definitely disappointed when he noticed that they were both fully clothed. Wow.. What was wrong with his head right now!?  
The Nurses told him that this would take only a few minutes, all he had to do was relax, sit still & swallow when they told him to. Harry’s grip tightened on Nialls hand, and he was saying something encouraging, though Niall was not interested.. The tube was right into his nose, he could feel it all the way up near his brain, he thought maybe they had pushed too hard & had pierced through the wrong area.. Sure enough it followed down his throat and Niall couldn’t help the tears that flooded his eyes.. Just above his stomach now, he could feel where the tube sat, perched against his chest bones.. He swallowed like they told him & cringed when he felt the sting of the plastic rasping against his skin, in all those unfamiliar places.. Where no plastic tube should ever live. “All done Niall! Good job! Let’s get you back to your room & we can give you some pain relief, sound good?” Nurse number one said.. He really needed to ask Harry for their names. Harry was blotting a tissue against Nialls face, soaking up the left over fluid that had escaped the boys blue eyes. “Yes.. Thankyou Charmaine.. That would be great.” Harry answered for Niall since he hadn’t been able to form a coherent sentence when he had tried. Oh well, at least he now knew Nurse number ones name was Charmaine.. he decided not to speak it out loud to her just yet.. As he was having a strong urge to call her Champagne instead.. *Stay quiet Niall* he inwardly told himself.. *There is something proper wrong with your head..*  
“Go to sleep you..” Harry teased, ruffling Nialls blond scruffy locks..  
He hoped to God he hadn’t said all that out loud..

Niall hadn’t realised how exhausted he was.. He couldn’t believe that just this morning he had had the energy to get up at 5am & go for a run.. Not that it went to plan, but still, he just couldn’t fathom it with how tired he was feeling now. The painkillers had zapped out any of the last electricity that was floating within his body.. He had passed out as soon as they had closed the blinds, sleeping heavy for four hours.. and he had no plan of stopping yet. “Nialler, wake up buddy, look who’s here!” Harry’s voice chimed, bringing Niall to the surface of his dream.. He opened his eyes, & although still squinting, of course he could make out the shape of Zayn & Louis standing before him.  
“Zee..” he groaned out, smiling ever so slightly, arms reaching out for a hug.. The older boy didn’t hesitate for a second.. He wrapped his arms around Niall and kissed the top of his head at least ten times. “Oh NiNi.. Are you okay? I was thinking about you all day, hoping you were alright!” Zayn was desperate for Niall to tell him that, yes, he was alright. The younger lad nodded.. “I’m okay, missed you..” He mumbled, feeling his cheeks turn a little blush.. Here comes baby Niall.. It was their fault! They always brought this out of him!  
“Good job babe, you pulled through..” Louis had discreetly moved his way in front of Zayn & now had both Nialls hands enclosed in his own. “I am so sorry love, about before.. I didn’t mean to be so harsh.. I know how hard this must be for you & I made it worse.. I feel like a right dick head.. Will you forgive me Nialler?” Louis’ eyes almost looked glassy, but Niall couldn’t be sure.. One thing he could be sure of though, was that he would always forgive Louis, especially when he begged for it & that seemed to be now. “Of course Lou-bear.. Always! And i’m sorry I was being a spoilt brat..” Louis opened his mouth to protest.. But Niall cut him off.. “I WAS being a spoilt brat Lou, I know I was! Forgive me too?” Nialls voice seemed genuine, though Louis was still not quite sure how long this change in behaviour would last.. “Yes love, I know your sorry for how you acted.. But the real test is this..” He gestured to the hospital room & the NG stand that was quietly pumping fluid into Nialls body. “We need to see you better, please take this seriously.” Louis leant in to give him a peck on the cheek. “Love you..” The older boy reminded him, Niall smiled & hummed in admiration.. But his mind was busy dissecting Louis’ comment.. Do I really need to take this seriously? Or are they taking it way TOO seriously? Blowing things out of proportion like usual.. His disillusioned thoughts stopped dead in their tracks when Liam waltzed into the room, definitely looking a bit flustered & definitely in ‘Daddy D’ mode. “Ohh baby..” Liam cooed, heading straight towards the bed, arms already outstretched. Niall couldn’t help it, the water works were coming.. Liam seemed to switch them on every single time! A broken sob wracked Nialls shoulders as he looked up into his older brothers eyes. “Shhhh, I’ve got you.. It’s okay, you can cry..” He wasn’t sure whether he was wrapped in a hug or sitting on Liam’s lap, either way he was safe where he was, kisses among kisses.. “I’m so proud of you angel! You were brave like I said.. You ARE brave honey.. always have been, always will be... Never forget that.” 

As Niall lay there that night, comfortable in his clean & sterile hospital room.. It was ironic how messy his conscience was. How unlike the orderly space he sat it now, it was as though a bomb had gone off inside his head. There was too much clutter within. He couldn’t decipher what it was that he wanted anymore. Ok, so he needed to be extremely brave (said Liam) and he had to take it incredibly seriously (said Louis..) but where on earth did he want to channel all this energy? The answer was simple.. Would he channel it into life? Or... would he channel it into death? Niall shrugged it off, he would have to think about it tomorrow.. Right now, all he needed was sleep.. sleep.. & more sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou so much for reading! Comments + Kudos is much appreciated.. Let me know if you have any further ideas for future chapters! ❤️🙏🏼🕊


	5. From one thing to another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Growing & changing mental illness is a thing.. Don’t beat yourself up, just brush yourself off!  
> The boys collectively help Niall in how they think is best.. It’s not always the perfect tactic but their hearts are in the right place!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year! To all those struggling at this time, know you are not alone and that there are people near, far & wide who would love to listen to you & help you. Reach out to someone this season!  
> Trigger warnings follow.. Not recommended reading to anyone experiencing or recovering from an Eating Disorder.. Please take care! Xxx

It was no surprise to Niall that when his Doctors had told him 3 days inpatient, they had lied. Niall was used to that now.. The lying.. It seemed to be an extremely excusable act around this place.. Not only from the Doctors, but from the Nurses, the boys, Paul, Management, his family & his friends. Lies, lies, and more lies.. Niall had not only developed Anorexia, but now he had ‘serious trust issues’ to add to the list of his ever-growing portfolio.. Woop Di Doo! Almost two weeks in now & Niall was FAT.. He was FAT!!! And this fucked up medication they had him on was ‘working’ in their eyes.. Cause Niall was tired, cause he was sorta mellow.. Cause he was laying around & sleeping a lot.. But MAINLY, because he was back to being FAT.. Or ‘even fatter’ than before should he say. 

The dreams Niall had been having within his hospital slumbers were fantastical and frightening.. Unknown to this world..  
The numb pleasantries, the tingling & humming of his sleepy mind were foreign to his body & soul.. The physical pain of his stomach stretching & the emotional battle it sparked & warred inside his head.. It was all shut down some.. And Niall didn’t want that.. He longed for it to return.. He needed the fight back.. He needed to stop this disaster from panning out any further that it already had!  
He needed a game plan.. He needed more than one game plan! A & B.. He decided to try his first one out at breakfast.. Good Morning world! 

In front of him sat two wheat biscuits in a too large a bowl - drowned with milk & drizzled with honey.. Beside the bowl was a small plastic cup of water to help down his three tablets that were placed in correct order of consumption.. 1, 2, 3 - ZERO!!! Niall could just see his Doctor standing outside his doorway, he was talking to one of the boys & was motioning for Nialls Nurse to come over & join their secretive conversation.. This was his chance! Swig of water, pills in hand, swig of water, pills slip down the back of his sweater and fumble along his skin, landing safely against his tailbone.. Where they shall stay till death do them part! Another swig of H2o and the Nurse is eyeing Niall just at the right moment.. She is seemingly satisfied with the disappearance of Nialls meds whilst watching the lad purposefully gulp down chugs of water. And he was off! No stopping him now! Once he was checked over for the day by his Psychiatrist & Dietitian, he was free to go with ‘supervision’ for a few hours, to have lunch out somewhere different.. He always had to be back by 3pm though.. So he never had enough time to sneak off & hit the track.. Plus Liam was ridiculously overbearing.. He couldn’t make it more than a couple of metres out of Li’s sight without having to sit another lecture about how his recovery needed to be strict & in view of him & the other boys.  
Today was alike the last seven.. Liam rounded the corner mid-morning, coffee in hand and a bunch of forms in the other. “C’mon Niall! We’ve got a bit to get through today.. are you ready?” He quizzed, placing his coffee aside & striding over to retrieve some of Nialls dirty clothes, shoving them into the backpack that rested on the arm chair. “Do you have anything else you want taken home to be washed?” He asked, still not giving Niall much time to answer. “Are you even dressed under there please?” He spoke again, gesturing to the blankets that were wrapped up to the younger boys torso. Niall inwardly sighed.. Great.. Just great.. Liam was in a horrid mood.  
“Yes! I am! And why are you being so bossy?” Niall groaned, flinging off the covers & rolling his legs over the bedside. “I’m not being bossy Niall.. I am just ready to get going.. We have to meet with Ash today, for lunch.. We’ve got an hour to check you out of here, go see Paul to drop these off-“ He gestured to the pile of paperwork he had brought in with him (looked like medical forms.. looked like secret Niall information..) “And then meet Ash at his place by noon..”  
Niall raised one eyebrow at his friends persistent ranting, concerning the detail of the day.. It seemed to be more likely for Liam’s benefit than for Nialls.. So he shrugged it off & decided it was time to follow along.. To make Liam happy. minutes as Liam continued to waffle on about something Paul & him had discussed last night, something to do with Nialls recovery & the future plans that were to be set in place, all the while still piling in what he thought to be dirty clothing of Nialls, into a second backpack. He watched as the older boy came to realise how flustered he must appear.. and immediately a flash of guilt and remorse wilted his face. Liam sighed and stopped what he was doing, draping the t-shirt he was folding over the back of the arm chair. “I’m sorry honey.. I didn’t mean to off load so much on you.. C’mere..” He held his arms outstretched, solid, yet tender & inviting. Niall was fragile, Niall was broken, he needed comfort & love & protection.. Now more than ever! It didn’t take much for Niall to give into the call of affection.. He was grateful for Liam’s warmth as he stepped into his older brothers embrace. He knew he could trust Liam to guide him through the life he used to want.. But he wasn’t sure if he could trust him with the life he wanted now. The life that he wanted back - and he would get it back.

Rigid stepping stones - cold & graphite - line the mondo grass that grew in tuffs along the lawn.. Stretching up towards the timber planes that ascended into a large wooden box-like house.. Glittering with down-lights and wafting a gentle breeze of sandalwood insence & burnt home cooking. Ash’s house. Niall wanted to see his trainer.. Of course he did.. He loved Ash.. And yes, he really, really wanted to see him.. Just not at his house - over lunch.  
Of course Ash made him feel as comfortable as possible.. Hugging him gently then patting his back and calling him mate. He had made sure that he didn’t directly mention Nialls ‘situation’ and had welcomed them in with open arms & a familiar smile. They made their way past Ash’s largely timber-based kitchen, reflecting his obvious soft-spot for 60’s mid century design.. Liam & Niall fell into step behind each other as they were led down the narrow yet long, dimly lit hallway.. Niall noticed the walls were littered with records - old records.. some framed, some raw. He wondered how on earth Ash’s music taste had never been brought up in conversation at the gym.. Niall stopped to look at the Vinyl hung midway down the hall.. He squinted to read the swirl of labeling.. The 13th Floor Elevators? Sprawled amongst the mess of green & red paint, it formed an eye.. An attempt of an eye.. Psychedelic would be an appropriate adjective to describe this album cover.. Food for thought.. He should start drawing! “Nialler!” Liam laughed slightly awkwardly.. “C’mon & sit down with us yeah?” Liam turned to speak to Ash in an apologetic manner “He’s just tired, sorry..” And Ash looked offended that Liam had even thought to apologise. “Of course! Don’t worry about it! Nialler come & chill here!” Ash motioned towards a cloud-shaped bean bag.. dark brown & suede, like everything else in this house. Niall plopped himself into the love of its scooped belly. Liam sat above him on the chocolate coloured leather couch, and Niall took advantage by resting his head back on Liam’s knees.. He earned a scruff of the hair and a soft caress to the forehead. Niall was pretty sure he had an idea of what was coming next.  
“Now, Ni, you’ve gotta take what we’re about to discuss seriously ok? We all want to help you with what your going through, including Ash, understand? I want you to listen and be mature about this please.. Can you do that for me?” Liam was direct & it never failed to intimidate Niall when he spoke like that. Ash looked slightly taken back.. Maybe also uncomfortable with the tone Liam had used. Niall nodded, silent, but genuine in his agreement to comply.. To sit & just listen. 

Of course, why else would they be meeting with Ash if it wasn’t to discuss the topic of exercise. Of course it was exercise! But much to Nialls dismay, they were discussing the LACK of involvement & influence it would have on Nialls ‘new schedule.’ He couldn’t believe his ears!  
“Ni! Dont worry! You’re still going to see me every week, it will just be different.. Better even! We will be training by ourselves without the other boys, so less distraction you know! And it will be catered to your body and what you need at this point in time! It’ll be fun! A great new journey! For both of us!” Ash was all bug-eyed & blissful.. Always optimistic & never really grasping the full reality of the situation. “This all starts after you reach a safe weight Niall.. Don’t get him too excited Ash.. Right now, you are still in-patient and you are still far too light Ni.. So yes, you will be able to do some very gentle training with Ash down the track, but first & foremost, you must rest & recover.. Do you get where we’re coming from?” On the other hand, Liam was always very in touch with reality & had to interrupt to get the last word in. Niall was on the verge of tears.. Picturing himself waiting & waiting until he was morbidly the size of a house before he could begin to start exercising again.. Why were they doing this to him! Why were they torturing and punishing him like this! They were SO cruel! They were evil & so, so cruel!! 

Fuck.. He’d done it again. The harder the conversation, the more he would hate on his loved ones.. And the more likely it would end with him telling them just that. He’d thrown a tantrum, knocked a glass off the coffee table & screamed at Liam that he hated him once again. He was pretty well dragged out the front door by his hair, Liam was moving so quickly in front of him, that Niall stumbled over his own feet several times before they made it outside. Liam was frantically apologising to Ash over the sound of Nialls screeching.. Desperate to make it up to him somehow, Liam rummaged in his back pocket and pulled out a $50 dollar note.. “Here, buy yourself a new mug & keep the change.. Again, i’m so, so sorry Ash..” Liam finished lamely, too ashamed of Nialls antics to even look the other man in the eye. “Don’t sweat it mate.. Just.. Take care of him.” 

The ride home came with an aggressively loud lecture from Liam, followed by an excruciatingly louder silence, that stretched on far longer than was necessary. He wished that at this point in time he would be sent to bed without lunch.. But unfortunately Liam had not forgotten about meal time & had already texted Louis to tell him of the change in plans. “So you’re going to go upstairs, we’re going to sit down together & have some lunch! Louis is getting something ready now.. There’s going to be no fussing or winging.. You have had all day to prepare, I didn’t spring this on you, so there’s no excuses left Niall.. Do you understand me!?” Liam had shifted his body around in his seat so he was directly facing Niall, drilling him with his dark & bold eyes, not once letting his gaze falter. Niall on the other hand was a trembling mess.. A deer in headlights.. A fragile bird with a broken wing & all he wanted to do was to fly away. He nodded twice & with that, Liam turned away and opened his door.. Niall heard him curse under is breath, in a pained & exhausted manner.. It caused a small bubble of guilt to rise in Nialls chest... He ignored it.  
As they exited the car & headed for the lift, Niall fumbled with uncharted thoughts & new ideas in his head, unsure of whether to let them in or not.. He decided to push them to the side for the time being.. He would have to dissect them later.. He followed three steps behind Liam as they strode down the hallway and entered through the door to their temporary penthouse. The smell hit him like a ton of bricks.. Fucking fried food.. Maybe he would have to use his tactics sooner than later. They headed straight into the kitchen and Niall watched as Louis glanced up to look at them, almost instantly the warm expression on his face had fazed into one of severe concern. “What’s wrong?” He asked, only looking at Liam, go figure. Out of the corner of his eye, Niall saw Li shake his head, obviously trying to be subtle whilst silently telling Louis ‘Not now idiot.. Later..’ Louis seemed to get the hint.. “Right! Well, Ni, come have a look at what we’ve got here!” He gestured to the mixed array of plates and bowls strewn over the kitchen bench. Leftovers Niall assumed. “You can choose one of each option I give you ok? Or you can have both!” Louis exclaimed, seemingly enthusiastic about his tuck-shop style display. “So for your protein, you can have these honey soy chicken wings... Or...” Louis paused to remove the layer of glad-wrap that covered the second bowl. “These honey soy sheesh-kababs!”  
Niall groaned in annoyance.. “So, honey soy fried chicken? Or.. honey soy fried chicken on a stick?” He mumbled, eyebrows furrowed & lips twisted down in disgust.  
“What did I say before Niall!? No fussing! No winging! Just pick something & be done with it!!” Liam made himself known again by adding yet another loud & angry sounding comment to the atmosphere. Way to be supportive - Fuckwit.  
Niall sighed heavily and with clear frustration, but he admitted his defeat.. “Chicken wings..” he grunted, his sour expression still remaining. He turned away to go sit & wait on the couch. Niall was to be somewhere comfy to eat & was always to have company.. That was a rule given by his Psychiatrist and a rule now enforced by the boys. He could hear his two older friends speaking in a hushed & serious tone.. Oh how he was sick of all of this.. All the fuss & all the worry.. He was feeling claustrophobic.. He was being suffocated, and the strange thing was, it was his loved ones that were doing it to him.  
Louis brought over his lunch plate.. All the different food groups carefully arranged in a circle. The portion sizes were growing every day.. They thought Niall wouldn’t notice that.. But nothing had slipped by him yet.  
“There you go mate.. Harry’s gonna come sit with you & have a snack too..” That was all Louis said, before he gave Niall a single pat on the back & turned away. Niall watched as his older friend returned to the kitchen to go stand by Liam - who was now seated at the island bench, head heavy in his palms.. Louis was now placing his hand on Liam’s back.. Though in a way that was much more tender & caring than what he had just done to Nialls. He knew he had upset them.. he was always upsetting them.. He couldn’t help it, it’s just the way things were now.  
He heard Harry bound down the steps behind him & immediately Niall was grateful he would have a fresh face to look at. The boys must’ve already done their work for the day, as Haz looked like he was already in bed clothes. “Hey NiNi! How are we?” Harry kissed the top of Nialls head in a quick fleck. “Hi Hazza.. I’m okay.. I’m not hungry though..” He sighed, moving the fried rice around the plate with his fork. “Alright.. Lets eat together then, yeah?” Harry had already been snacking on a pack of salt and vinegar chips, and gave himself another crunch. “Niall, your turn.. two mouthfuls please..”  
Niall obeyed.. Two mouthfuls, then another one.. Followed by another two.. and so on.  
Niall loved Harry, but hated the way he had adopted Liam’s way of speaking..  
It sounded - wrong coming from Harry’s mouth.. Niall felt as though he was losing all respect from the other boys.. He felt like he was losing his place as a young man in society, as a young adult responsible for making his own decisions.. He was forfeiting his life choices to all of them! He glanced down at his plate, he had eaten 3/4 of it.. His stomach pulsed and pushed against his ribcage.. He felt heavy and weighted.. Like he was superglued to the seat of his chair. He needed the bathroom for one thing or another.. And he needed it now! 

Harry said he had done a great job.. Louis had overseen his efforts and had agreed with Harry too. He was excused to his room and he tried to stroll casually towards it before breaking into a jog once out of sight. He slipped into the bathroom and closed the door as quietly as possible. The food needed to come out.. It wasn’t sitting right.. It didn’t feel good.. It needed to come up.. up.. UP! The thought alone brought a gag to Nialls throat.. He rushed to open the toilet lid, falling to his knees & hovering over the bowl, Niall didn’t know what he was doing until it had already happened. Vomit was everywhere. All over his right hand (that was still in his mouth) & making way down his arm.. Majority of his meal had landed in the loo and some on the floor. It was a complete mess.. and amongst that mess, Niall felt something.. something worth feeling. He realised that in that moment he had regained some of the control that had been taken from him. He had a feeling that this secret would be a hard one to keep hidden, but he didn’t want it to slip away just yet.. This was a good plan B.. plan A and plan B would work together quite nicely, he thought. He knew he would have to fight extra hard to keep these secrets - well, secrets!! And that meant, cleaning this mess up pronto! 

The rest of the day went by quietly. Niall had gotten away with his first purge, & he felt proud.. Like he had outsmarted them. He had spent extra time making sure he hadn’t left any trace or stench in the bathroom or on himself for that matter.. He felt like a proper criminal & as wrong as it sounded, he kinda enjoyed it. He had sat down with Liam & Louis & talked over that days events.. He had apologised to Liam and told him he would ring Ash and do the same. Liam was quick to forgive, as always, and was straight back into ‘Dad mode,’ pulling Niall down into his lap for a cuddle when the younger boy went to get up from the couch. “Where do you think you’re going? I haven’t had a hug since this morning!” Liam said, playful in his tone but it was definitely the truth. “I’m so-RRRYYY OWW NOO!! Let me go!” Nialls shrill squeal rang through the apartment as did Liam’s laughter which was then followed by Louis’.  
Liam moved his fingers to Nialls stomach & continued the tickle frenzy.. Niall begged his friend to stop as tears of pain & joy streamed down his face. “Owwwww n-nooo LiLi!!!!” In that moment he’d forgotten all about his worries & fears.. He hadn’t joked around like this for God knows how long.. It felt good to be worn out from laughter & laughter alone. He flopped his head down on Liam’s chest & slid his legs out across the lounge.. Louis took advantage of where Ni’s feet were resting on his lap & gave them a working of their own. Niall giggled for a short burst of a minute but was so close to the edge of exhaustion now. Liam had backed right off & was giving the younger boy just a gentle sweep of his fingertips.. Back and forth slowly, slowly.. Tickling along the soft skin at the nape of his neck, pausing to play with the baby hair that grew there. Moments later, Liam felt Nialls breathing fall deep & even.. “He’s asleep..” He whispered, glancing up at Louis who held a sheepish smile in place... He nodded in return.. “I know.. He needs all the rest he can get Li..” Louis said, watching on with admiration.. Liam was still petting Nialls hair & ever so quietly he was humming a tune to him.. Louis recognised the song instantly - ‘The Horses..’ He smiled at the thought.. Niall loved that song.. Liam would sing it to him when he used to have nightmares a couple of years ago.. It would always put their Irish boy right back to sleep.  
“You love him so much don’t you Li..” Louis whispered, smiling softly at the pair. Liam looked up at Louis, a slightly pained expression painted on his face. “So much Lou.. So much it hurts..” He replied, glancing back down to Niall & stroking the side of his pale cheek. “Li... I would never ask you to love him any less.." Louis started, biting his tongue for a single moment, dreading where his mouth was taking him. “But.. the truth is - he can’t be your baby forever and.. well I think.. you might be enabling him slightly.. in a way that is.. dysfunctional..”  
Liam was staring at him dead-on now.. Mouth slightly ajar & eyes wide. “Enabling him!? Dysfunctional??” Liam spat the words out with a slight mockery in his tone. “Do you wanna know what I think of you Louis?”  
“Not really!” Lou interrupted, his own voice raising an octave or two..  
“I think you’re a selfish delusional asshole who doesn’t know how it feels to care about someone this deeply.. You’re as shallow as a teaspoon Louis for saying that! You need to check yourself!!” Liam had just taken this to a whole new level.. A level it really didn’t need to go to. Niall was awake now, shifting in Liam’s lap & whining slightly, his ears ringing from the loud yelling he had been succumbed to. “It’s okay darling.. I’m sorry we woke you..” Liam cooed, helping Niall sit upright whilst brushing the blond hair out of his eyes. “Why are you yelling Li?” Niall mumbled, still slightly disoriented from the change in his position.  
“It was nothing babe, but we do have to head now.. back to hospital. Can you go grab your stuff please?”  
Niall didn’t think anymore of it.. He hopped off the couch, stabilised himself, and headed to his room to gather his things.. Five minutes later, he was back downstairs, duffel bag in hand & new clothes in place. Louis & Harry were sitting at the dining table, serious in expression & obviously mid-conversation. When they glanced up & saw Niall, they dropped all sign of concern from their faces & smiled back at him. “You ready to go love?  
I think Liam is just getting changed.. Can I have a hug goodbye?” Lou sang, cracking his widest smile and winking once, arms outstretched, longing for Niallers embrace.  
The younger lad giggled & made way into his big brothers arms. “You did well today babe.. I’m proud of you.. Keep up the good work okay? And we’ll see you back here living with us in no time! You know the Doctors told Li that next week you can come home for a few trial days? Maybe we can convince them to let it be longer! That’s if you’re good!” Louis smiled, ruffling up Nialls hair and smacking a kiss right in the middle of his forehead. “Love you babe.. I’ll see you in a few days.. Liam and I are going North to do fragrance tomorrow and we will be gone until Saturday.. But Hazza & Zayn will come get you ok?”  
Niall looked over at Harry.. He better remember to pick him up everyday! The look on Nialls face clearly gave away his thoughts..  
“Don’t worry Ni-bear.. I promise I won’t forget about you!” Harry laughed, reaching over to pull the smaller boy into his own arms.. Cuddles all round.. He thought about the week that would follow.. The one where he would be able to trial a few days here, with the boys, at home.. (well, their home for now anyway.) He couldn’t wait.. He needed to get back to normality.. He was sick of being stuck inside those hospital walls.. Being inspected by aliens on an hourly basis.. It was all just so over the top.. Especially since he had literally nothing wrong with him.. Well not physically anyway. After he said goodbye to the boys, he headed to Liam’s room, didn’t knock, just entered, he’d learnt that from all of them! Liam was pulling on new jeans & his hair was slightly wet, obviously just straight out of the shower. “Hi chicken.. I’m coming now..” Liam said, with distraction, his foot was kinda stuck in the end of the tight denim. “Li.. I don’t wanna go..” he whimpered, pulling out the best puppy dog eyes he could manage. Liam looked up now, reefing closed the zipper on his pants & sitting down on the bed to tie his cons. “I know baby.. I know you’re over it.. But you just gotta hang in there a few more days & then next week-“  
“I know.. Louis told me..” Niall intercepted, as he already knew about the trial days that were coming up. Liam looked surprised.. “Oh! Oh good! Well it’s great isn’t it!? Are you excited?” Liam said, giving him an encouraging smile.  
“Yeah I guess... it’s just.. I know that if I get a taste of what it’s like to be back here.. at home.. then I know it will be too much for me to have to go back to hospital once the trial days are up..” Niall sighed, he looked down at the floor, he felt defeated. Liam got up from the bed & went to stand in front of Niall.. He placed both of his hands on each of the boys shoulders. “Well I’m guessing Lou didn’t tell you everything, now did he?” Liam whispered, quietly smirking as he gave Niall a little nudge.  
“The trial is to see if you do well enough to keep staying on.. So once the first three days are up, if all went smoothly, you can continue to live at home!” Liam pulled him in for a hug before Niall had time to react. “Oh Li!!! Thankyou!! I-I want to come home, I miss you all t-the time!” Niall felt a lone tear make its way down his cheek & meet the corner of his lip. Liam straightened them out of their embrace so he could look directly into Nialls eyes. His face softened even more when he saw Nialls dampened cheeks. “I know precious.. It hurts me everyday that you’re in there.. Believe me, I want you home more than almost anything! But the one thing I want more, is for you too be well.. I want my healthy boy back! I want you to able to tour next year.. I want you to be able to live life again.. And I don’t want to be on the verge of a heart attack every time I look at you.. I’m getting high blood pressure Niall, from stress! I need you better..” Liam smiled gently, he knew his older friend wasn’t purposely giving him the guilt-trip, but it mighty well sounded like it. Niall nodded as he felt another tear leak down his face.. Damn it! Why couldn’t he control his eyes!! Liam wiped the tear away before it could fall.. “Niall, baby, listen to me.. It is crucial, absolutely crucial that you do everything the Doctors have taught you.. You listen to us, & you eat all the meals we make for you, when we make them.. They’ll have you back as in-patient if this isn’t working.. And it’s up to us to tell them the truth.. So make sure you try your best - even better than your best! So we can tell them, at the end of next week, that we think you’re ready to come home..” Liam spoke kindly but with a firm edge, trying to convey the seriousness of the situation. Niall nodded furiously.. Oh boy, how he wanted to come home! “I will Li! I’ll try my hardest.. I promise!”  
With that, the pair headed out, waving goodbye to Louis and Harry and exiting the front door. 

They were waiting in front of the lift, watching as the floor numbers travelled up, up & up.. The doors binged open & Nialls face broke into a smile that reached his eyes. “Zee!”  
Zayn stepped out of the elevator with his arms open wide. “Ni-bear! How are you bubba?”  
Zayn had been away most of the week, he was taking care of some personal things.. They wouldn’t tell Niall what it was.. Not sure why, but he left it at that. “I’m good! I’m coming home next week! For good! Did Liam tell you!?! I’m so excited!” Niall nuzzled his head back into Zayns shoulder.. He’d missed his friend so much! Zayn looked at Liam, one eyebrow raised, slight concern in his eyes. “Uh-N-no! Liam didn’t tell me that! Wow babe, I’m so proud of you! It will be so wonderful to have you back!” He leant down to plant a kiss on the top of Nialls head.. He paused to inhale the familiar scent.. his precious Niall. “Let Zayn go darl’n.. We’re running late now.. You can talk to him tomorrow!” Liam spoke up, placing his hand on Nialls back. Niall allowed himself to be pried away from his dark haired friend who he longed to stay with. “I’ll see you tomorrow NiNi! Maybe I can pick you up?” He sounded hopeful & genuine.. Niall nodded and stepped inside the lift. “I’ll see you shortly Zee! I’ll be back straight after I drop him..” Liam said, smiling back at Zayn as he also stepped inside the elevator. “See you soon!” Zayn called out, already turning around to head towards their room. Niall waved after him, though Zayn could no longer see.. Liam chuckled & placed his arm over Nialls shoulders protectively. “It’s alright honey.. He’ll still be here when you get back..”  
“I know.. I just hate being away from you all.. And I don’t want you to leave tomorrow!” Niall whined, turning to Liam & looking up at him with pleading eyes. A sweet note alarmed them that the doors had glided open. Liam urged Niall out in a hurry, as he glanced down at his watch.. Yep, they were still late. “I’ll be back before you even notice I was gone sweetie.. The boys will take good care of you.. Don’t worry!” Liam said, trying his best to ease Nialls concerns.  
“Not like YOU do though..” Niall mumbled & in that moment he made a vow that he would stop taking Liam for granted.. He would stop misbehaving for him & he would try & keep his darkest secrets well away from Liam’s knowledge, as to not stress him any further. Liam chuckled from behind him as they walked towards the car. “They love you just as much as I do precious..”  
Niall smirked & looked back at his friend.. “Hmm, maybe, but I love YOU more than I love them!” He joked, giving Liam a playful wink.  
“Hey! You be careful now young man! You wouldn’t want them to hear that!” Li, ruffled Nialls blond locks until they were a disheveled mess on top of his head.  
Liam thought about that comment for just a moment longer.. It sorta applied to him as well.. in a way. It was not that he loved Niall more than the other boys.. He just cared about him more.. kinda.. Well he worried about him more! That was a definite!  
When they arrived at the hospital, Liam walked Niall up to his room.. He helped him set up for a shower & went to gather his dinner for later.. The Nurses would ensure he ate it.  
When Liam returned, Niall was already dressed in his pj’s.. Sitting on his bed cross-legged, neck craned back as he gazed up at the Tv with interest, his wet hair was still clinging to his forehead. Liam smirked at the endearing sight before him. He was the most perfectly innocent little sweetie he’d ever laid eyes on.  
Maybe.. just maybe.. He did love him the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment & Kudos is much appreciated! Thanks for taking the time to read! I hope you’re enjoying this as much as I am! I admit, it is a heavy read and does make you feel a lot, but it’s good to embrace those emotions! Bless you! Happy 2020!! XO


	6. Does love not conquer?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt a warm hand grace his forehead, caressing his skin and pushing back the hair that fell forward onto his face. Liam’s touch.. Strong & supportive.. Though it faded away like a wisp of smoke caught in the wind..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning you: Spanking involved! Non-sexual disciplinary/platonic relationships only.  
> So this, I feel like it is two chapters in one.. As a couple of different things are eventuating and being sort through. Mental illness not only consumes the particular individual, but it can open up gateways for loved ones and or carers to become directly effected as well.. They are at higher risk of developing a particular mental struggle & friends/family need to look out for signs that carers may be at strain. Mental illness does not discriminate & comes in all shapes and sizes.. Look out for anybody and everybody.. Even if they seem okay from your perspective, they may just be good at hiding it!

The next morning, as he had mentioned, Zayn came to pick him up.. He was glad to see his older friends face.. He doubted that Harry would’ve found his way through the winding hallways and into the correct room. Zayn gave Niall a big morning hug & guided him towards the door. The Nurse wanted to talk to Zayn for a couple of minutes, so he was whisked into an office for a short while before returning to collect Niall. They were sent on their way after the Nurse on reception told Niall the same thing she did everyday.. He was to have this many snacks & this many meals while out for the day.. He was to be back by 3pm and they were to drop him earlier if any issues should arise.. Niall almost rolled his eyes at the last part.. But stopped himself, fearing that somehow any kind of ‘bad behaviour’ he exhibited would make its way back to Liam’s knowledge.  
He vowed to be a perfect angel all day long.. He knew Liam & probably Louis would ask how he had been when they returned.. He didn’t want to risk any chance of losing his trial days and possibility of coming home for good! But he couldn’t help but admit, he did feel like he could take advantage of Zayn & Harry’s kindness.. I know, I know, he’s a bad person! He shouldn’t think like that! But when lunch came around, it was just all too easy to escape to the bathroom and regurgitate his meal after he’d eaten.. Then it was all too easy to flush the toilet and rinse his mouth, walk on out and find his way to sit by Harry on the couch as they continued to watch a movie together.. If it was this easy all the time, Niall knew he would have no troubles maintaining his ‘lifestyle’ when he came back home next week. 

When the heat of the day turned away, Niall pulled a rug up over his legs, draping the wool over all exposed areas of his skin.. The aircon was blasting & Niall was cold & sleepy.. He had a nap on the couch after he had finished his movie with Harry & he hoped that when he woke, the other boys would’ve returned home from their trip.  
“Nialler.. Wakey wakey! Time to hop up now love..” Louis’ voice rang like bells in front of him & Niall peered open his eyes to glance up at the boy, he was met with a soft smile and a headful of dark wavy curls. Not Louis.. Harry.  
Niall shifted himself up onto one elbow & with his other hand, he palmed his right eye in slow circles, trying to rub out the exhaustion.. He couldn’t help it when his mouth reached into a deep yawn & his body curled into itself like a cat basking & stretching in the afternoon sun. He felt a warm hand grace his forehead, caressing his skin and pushing back the hair that fell forward onto his face. Liam’s touch.. Strong & supportive.. Though it faded away like a wisp of smoke caught in the wind.. And still, it remained Harry as the only one in front of him. “Babes, hop up now, we’re gonna have a quick chat before we leave..” Zayns voice entered the room, and the older boy came to stand beside Harry. Niall just huffed, before flopping back into his previous sleeping position. Harry rolled his eyes & let out a dramatic sigh of exasperation.. “May I ask.. Why does it take so much effort to get you to do the simplest of tasks these days?” He groaned, placing his hand on Nialls shoulder and shaking him back and forth. Niall shuddered as soon as he heard the words that came out of Harry’s mouth. It was like a flaming torch being held to his chest..  
Harry said it.  
Harry pretty well just said Niall was lazy..  
And do you know what lazy is code for?  
It’s what people say when they are trying to disguise the word fat! Harry obviously thinks Niall is fat.. Fat.. Niall was just fat.  
And with that one sensitive comment, in which Harry certainly did not mean to cause offence, the flood gates opened and all hell broke loose. Niall burst into tears, and loud sobbing noises rippled through his body causing him to shake and convulse all at the same time. “Oh my God! Niall!” Zayn gasped, immediately seating himself on the couch & bringing the tired boy into his arms.. Holding him close & tight, all the while sending daggers at Harry, & to be honest, he didn’t even know why.. But he knew that Harry had spoken & Niall had instantly erupted into tears, so the curly haired boy must’ve done something wrong!  
“H-Harry t-thinks i’m lazy-y & f-fat!!” Niall sobbed, burying his head into Zayns neck, refusing to make eye contact with either of them. Meanwhile, both the other boys snapped their heads around to look at each other in disbelief. “What on earth are you talking about Niall!?” Harry said loudly, sounding slightly offended, as though Niall was playing the blame game on him. “Niall this is ridiculous! This is your illness talking! Not you! Don’t you see? It makes you overly-sensitive & paranoid & it makes you think people are saying things that they are not!!” Zayn cut in, gently prying Nialls head from where it was hidden in his chest. “Harry was merely trying to let you know that we were in a rush and that you had to get up.. That hardly qualifies for a tantrum!” This made Niall cry louder & he turned to glare at them. “I am NOT having a tantrum! I don’t throw tantrums! I’m just upset because you two are being ASS-HOLES!” He wailed, whacking Zayns hand away with enough force that he ended up hitting the older boy square in the face as well. To Nialls complete & utter surprise, he was met with a good hard slap to the back of his thigh. He yelped & leapt off Zayns lap, mortified & infuriated at the same time. He was shocked speechless to say the least.. He stared, gaping at the older boy, waiting for & expecting an apology!  
“Niall, you know you deserved that.. Liam wouldn’t have been so kind if it was him here right now... You are being a spoilt brat.. And I will be telling him about this when he gets home!” Zayn snapped, not at all looking apologetic like Niall had hoped. The younger boys stomach dropped at Zayns last comment. His expression was one of a broken & shattered mirror, & his tears fell slowly and heavily down his face. “No Zayyn please! Please don’t tell Liam-m!!” He whined, bringing his hands up to clasp together in front of his chest. “Oh, he’ll be knowing about it Ni.. Don’t you worry about that!” Zayn was being ruthless, this was so, SO unlike him. Niall thought back to the last time he had gotten whacked.. His wet & tearful cheeks flushed magenta red when he realised it had been almost a year.. Liam was the only one who had ever laid a hand on him in that way, and it was absolutely mortifying to even think about! He remembered he had thrown a fit similar to this one he supposed, it was stupid.. They were on the road & their tour bus had broken down.. So they had to drive in a car for 6 hours instead, & Niall was pissed off.. He had kicked the front drivers seat out of frustration & scuffed the leather badly.. Liam had taken to his bum out of nowhere! He remembered not being able to sit properly for days. No.. he definitely did NOT want that to happen again!  
“You are not getting off that easily Niall! I have been back for all of 24hours and already I am longing for Liam & Lou to hurry up & get home so they can deal with you! You don’t treat us with the respect we deserve & then we are forced to take to extreme measures so you will listen!” Zayn gestured to the bright red hand print that splayed out on the back of Nialls thigh. Niall didn’t even get a chance to have his input before Zayn had gone off on another tangent. “You haven’t been taking you’re meds.. That’s what we wanted to talk to you about.. The Nurse told me this morning that she found a stash in the pot plant behind your bed!!! What are you doing!!! This is why you are so worked up Ni!! You are probably having withdrawal symptoms! You are self-sabotaging and I can’t deal with you right now!” Zayn looked close to tears himself, and with an exhausted sigh, he flopped forwards to lean his elbows against his knees, he let his head fall into his hands & neither of the boys could tell if he was crying or not.  
Niall was visibly shaking now.. Silent tears still rolling and leaking with gravity. “I-I.. So sorry!” He stuttered, cursing himself a thousand times over in his head for being so stupid.. He should’ve known someone would find the pills there! Now his plan was stuffed!!! Harry was quick to provide comfort when he saw how broken the blonde boy looked standing in front of him. He approached him, slowly and gently bringing Niall into his hold. “Ni, just, relax.. We still love you.. You know that.. just breathe..” Niall hardly noticed that he was sort of hyperventilating. “Ni babe, just lean into Harry.. You’re okay..” Zayns voice soothed him, he could tell the older boy was trying his hardest to calm himself as well. Though Niall shrunk away from the voice & felt himself slipping into tunnel vision.. It went black and Niall fell asleep for all of just three minutes, though he wished it was longer.  
“Alright, here we go.. Up we go Ni! C’mon, that’s it, open your eyes.. Good boy! Can you open your eyes please?” Niall felt himself being scooped up bridal style, Harry’s arms cradled his weak limbs, all the while holding his head up at the same time. “I’ll take him to the car.. Can you bring his water bottle? It’s over there..” The boys talked quietly but in an urgent manner, and before Niall could blink, they were in the elevator heading downstairs to the garage.  
“I got all of his stuff.. I’ll drive if you wanna sit with him in the back?” The tone of Zayns voice this time sounded anxious with a hint of guilt.  
Niall was slowly becoming aware of his surroundings now.. Had he passed out? He thought it must’ve been a combination of not drinking enough water after purging today & also probably Zayn whacking him. He let himself be placed upright in the back car seat & tried to wait patiently as Harry and Zayn got themselves sorted.. It became hard though, because right now, the world had started spinning, the roof turning into the floor and then back again. “Hazza? I feel s-sick..” he moaned, blindly reaching out to clutch at his best friends arm.. His breathing became laboured and paced and heavy as he felt the urges making their way from his stomach to his throat. “Oh fuck.. Zayn! Pass me a bag! Or something! Anything! He’s gonna spew!” Harry called out, and Zayn was one step ahead, already rummaging around in the glove box. He grabbed a plastic bag that was full of receipts and emptied it onto the front passenger seat.. “Here! Take this!” He threw it back & Harry helped place it so it was covering Nialls mouth.. He gagged & retched a couple of times before a load of water & bile came pouring forth.. One after the other Niall had nothing more to add, he omitted all the contents of his stomach right then and there.. And it confused both the other boys, as they swore they fed Niall a solid amount of lunch.  
He coughed and spluttered over the bag, groaning in pain as his head spun in circles and his stomach spasmed in waves of nausea. He heard Harry sigh beside him, one hand resting on Nialls lower back. “It’s okay babe.. Let it come..” Harry said with regret, as he felt like he should tell Niall to stop being sick and keep his lunch in.. But he knew that wasn’t fair.. Niall was obviously ill from fainting.  
Zayn reached back and brushed Nialls hair away from his eyes.. “It’s okay baby..” He encouraged, sounding as though he was in the same boat as Harry. Niall gagged again, nothing but saliva and a stream of stomach acid appeared. “Nothing l-left..” he cried, hoping to God that they wouldn’t question why. Harry’s hand stopped moving in circles on his back and he let it rest stationary against Nialls shirt. “Okay.. Babe just breathe and try to relax for me..” He said, concern laced every word and he and Zayn were both eyeing each other, the same suspicion reeling through their minds. When Niall had calmed down some, Harry pulled him in for a hug & offered him a small sip of water. Niall accepted gratefully and was almost about to hand Harry the soiled plastic bag when Zayn stopped him in his tracks. “Love.. Can you tell us the truth.. Have you been making yourself vomit? After meals?” Niall shook his head furiously and cringed away.. It sounded even worse to hear someone speak it aloud.  
“I think you have Ni.. You were in the bathroom a long time today, straight after lunch? And now you just had a big upchuck which included nothing but stomach bile! Can you explain that?” Harry asked, his hand was no longer offering support on Nialls back. Niall felt the tears coming again, he was not ready for this! He wasn’t ready for this at all!! He had barely gotten started, and now they were already in on both of his secrets!! For fucks sake! His life was officially ruined! His younger friend sighed next to him and went to place his hand over Nialls. “How long bub?”  
Niall looked up at him, trying to decipher the look on Harry’s face, but his eyes were too blurred from the flood of tears that were upon them. “Only a couple days I s-swear!!” Niall cried, and they could tell, that this time he was speaking the truth.. It didn’t stop their hearts from breaking any further though. “No! Niall please don’t start this! We can’t bear it.. Please just.. Stop it right this instance! You will make things so much harder for yourself!” Zayn was pretty well on the verge of his own meltdown now.. And in that moment, they all wished Liam was there to take control of the situation. “He will Zayn.. It’s okay.. You will stop at once, won’t you love?” Harry spoke in a voice that sounded as though he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else. Nialls mind was a blur of technicolor, he couldn’t see two feet in front of him let alone form another coherent sentence. But one thing that did seem clear, was the fact that Harry had asked him if he would stop, instead of telling him to stop. He had given him an open-ended question.. Offering Niall the opportunity to decide.. and of course, he decided against his friends advice. “I-I don’t know.. I can’t promise that Harry! Don’t ask that of me!” Niall whined, attacking the tears that were welling up once again. Zayn looked slightly furious in front of him and Harry reached out to wave him away.. “Zayn don’t.. Just.. Let’s wait until Liam & Lou get home..” He said in a hushed voice, obviously trying to keep his older friend calm. “NO!!! Don’t tell him! Don’t tell him! Don’t tell him!!!” The boys were both startled in their seats when Niall screeched his protest, his hands were in his hair now, and Zayn had an awful flashback of that moment when Niall had his first meltdown & ended up pulling his hair from its roots. “Stop it Niall! Stop it! It’s okay! We won’t tell him.. We won’t tell him.. You have to calm down for me though!” Zayn knew Niall was talking about Liam specifically, and he also knew that what he had just told Niall was a complete & utter lie.. Of course they were going to tell him.  
Harry spent the next half hour holding Niall & cooing to him.. Telling him how much they still loved him, no matter what. Thankfully they all arrived at the hospital in one piece & Zayn parked the car so they could all go upstairs together. Once they arrived on the correct ward, Harry went off with Niall to help him get ready for the evening & Zayn went to talk to the Nurses - privately. He had a lot to say to them & they had a lot to say to him.. With all information combined, it was just one big, fat mess!! And Zayn really couldn’t wait for the other boys to arrive back home. 

“So let me get this straight.. He was being a spoilt brat for the most part, threw a tantrum, had a panic attack, passed out, got sick in the car, and then told you he had been skipping his medication & vomiting up his meals all week long, though it could’ve been longer, because you weren’t sure he was being totally honest?”  
Harry and Zayn both shared a glance, confirming with each other that yes, that is exactly how the events had panned out.. Unfortunately it was slightly disastrous to say the least. Liam had his head in his hands, shaking it back and forth in agonising defeat. “Why won’t he do the right thing?” He whimpered, and the other boys turned to console him, because well, it took a lot for Liam to ‘whimper.’ Louis had his hands on both of Liam’s shoulders, giving him a firm but comforting massage. “It’s okay.. You don’t have to handle this Li.. I know you feel like you do.. Because it’s always been that way, but you can’t take on everything.. You’ll make yourself sick! Just, let us handle it for a bit yeah? Let me handle it..” The oldest boy offered his support open-heartedly, he couldn’t bear to see his friend carry this load for much longer. Liam had always assigned himself far too much responsibility when it came to Niall, for as long as any of them could remember. He wasn’t about to let Liam crash any further, not when they could save him from it. “You don’t have to worry Li.. We all know & love him just as you do & we are all fit to help him through this.. I mean, Zayn even gave him a smack on the bum when he was being a brat!” Harry smirked towards the end of his sentence, he thought Liam would especially like to know that. Zayn shot him a glare, eyes narrowed as though Harry had betrayed him in some sort of world war. Meanwhile the other two had their brows raised and their mouths slightly ajar. “How’d that go??” Liam gaped, he couldn’t believe that Zayn could muster that kind of will power. “As you’d expect.. I guess..” The dark haired boy blushed a soft pink and turned away to check his phone. “He was being rotten Liam.. You would’ve done worse..” he mumbled, nonchalant in the way he shrugged it off.  
“Well, whats done is done.. Let’s just try and relax tonight and I’ll go pick him up in the morning.. Liam, you just have a good sleep in tomorrow yeah?” Louis tried to take the reins by directing his younger yet ‘older’ friends moves, but Liam immediately fobbed him off.. “No, no Louis, it’s fine.. Don’t you guys worry about me okay? I’ll pick Ni up in the morning.. I’ll be good by then.. Just need an early night..” Liam’s strong voice was back, any hint of vulnerability that was there a moment ago had vanished. They all watched as he stood from his seat and made his way unsteadily towards his room.. They heard him mumble goodnight, though they barely had time to reply before Liam had disappeared through his door. “He’s delirious...” Harry muttered, he felt uneasy in his stomach, he certainly wasn’t used to seeing Liam behave this way, it was extremely unsettling.. Liam was always.. you know.. sooo.. together!  
“Just give him a day or so... We didn’t sleep that well when we were away.. The beds were shit.. He’s stressed about Ni, he takes it all on his shoulders & doesn’t share the burden.. He just needs to step back a little.. For his sake, and for Ni’s!” As Louis spoke, he thought about the conversation he had with Liam the other day.. The one that went something along the lines of ‘Liam, you are too invested in Niall & your coddling is not helping him, but enabling & promoting dysfunctional behaviour..’ Yeah.. Okay.. Louis kinda wished he hadn’t used those exact words.. but seriously, it was the truth! It was destructive to the both of them! And Louis cared far too much for his brothers to let it continue any further. “Lou, you go pick him up tomorrow.. You’re right.. We need to take a bit of control.” Zayn piped in, he had been in a world of his own thoughts.. Trying to figure out the best way to approach Liam & get him to understand where they were coming from.  
“Oh I will be, don’t you worry about that.. I’ll be up at the break of dawn if that’s what it takes to beat Li there.” Louis huffed, sounding slightly exasperated, he stood to his feet & headed toward the kitchen to stack the dishwasher & then he was off to bed.. He had a feeling tomorrow would be one hell of a day. 

Not much to Louis’ surprise, he was up at the crack of dawn to beat Liam’s alarm that timed at 6:30am most days. Louis made it downstairs and out of the hotel by 7:00, before Liam had even turned off his shower. He jumped into one of the Rovers they had access to, and breathed a sigh of relief as the engine purred to life. “Sweet one Louis..” He congratulated himself in a sly voice, pulling out of the drive and flicking on the radio which blared an upbeat rock n roll tune.. “Coffee time! I think you deserve a double shot long black..” He smirked like an idiot.. Thank God for tinted windows.. Was he seriously talking to himself?  
Ahh well.. He was a legend after all. 

Louis forgot that 7:30am was particularly early to be arriving at the hospital to collect Niall. He decided he could maybe take Ni down to the cafeteria for breakfast and then they could both wait for the all clear from the Nurses -maybe he could chat to them about Nialls trial week.. He wondered if they’d let them start from today? It was Sunday.. Only one day earlier than they had planned to take him home.. Surely they would be that lenient.. He couldn’t wait to tell Nialler. 

“Zayn it’s just a tad bit immature! I mean, I told you all last night that I wanted to go pick Niall up this morning & you guys had to go put a fork in it, didn’t you!” Liam really wasn’t that mad, it wasn’t that big a deal, he was just a little embarrassed.. I mean, he’d set his alarm, had a shower, gone for a run, had another shower, eaten breakfast and was just about to walk out of their apartment to go and collect Niall.. And that’s when Zayn decided to tell him not to bother, Louis was on it already. “Geez, sorry Liam, sorry for trying to help you out some! We just thought you’d be better off taking a step back from Ni and all the stress it’s causing you.. You need to look after yourself as well..” Zayns voice softened towards the end of his sentence, as he reminded himself of the tactics he’d thought to put in place when talking to Liam about this situation.. Gentle, kind and understanding.. C’mon Zayn you can be that!  
“Yeah Li, dont forget Ni’s literally coming home for good tomorrow.. Your gonna have more than enough of him soon.. You’ll be wishing him back to the hospital!” Harry laughed at his own not-even-funny joke & the other two rolled their eyes at the younger boys antics.  
“Hmm.. Yeah well, we’ll see Hazza.. We’ll see..” Liam let the conversation dissipate as he stared blankly at the TV in front of him.. He hated to admit it, but if he was honest with himself, he was feeling worse for wear.. The thought scared him, & immediately, he shrugged it off for the umpteenth time that day. 

“Helloo!!! We’re home!!” Louis’ voice echoed loudly through the hall, it was followed by loud banging & scooting of wheels on the timber floors - suitcases? Liam sat up on the sofa, he placed his book face-down & looked at the others. Zayn and Harry were knee-deep into a bowl of cheetos, both had a beer in hand (what time even was it?) and were staring intently at a footy game that blazed across the large flat screen, in fluorescent greens, whites and blues.. They both had their phones in their hands, seeming to be opened to the same app, something to do with footy and betting. “In here Nialler!! We can’t get up because - LOOK!!!” Harry called out in an obnoxiously loud voice, but it made Liam smile, he was glad the boys would include Ni in their fun.. He hoped they would continue to do that as their little brother shifted back into the shared living space.. He hoped that they could resume life as they had before all of this nightmare became their reality... Liam internally slapped himself, he couldn’t afford to be thinking in such a negative manner.. He needed to remain optimistic - for Niall.  
“Looook who’s got bags!!!” Louis called out, just as loud as Harry had.. They all turned to look at the oldest, he was motioning to Niall who stood beside him, backpack slung over one shoulder & suitcase upright at his feet. Liam felt his heart snap in two.. He was home.. His Nialler was home!! Before any of them could blink, Liam was up, taking Niall into his own embrace and holding the back of the boys head firm against his chest, he planted two kisses on Nialls brow. “Liiiii..” The younger boy moaned, but with a lighthearted edge.. Obviously embarrassed at the apparent coddling he was receiving once again, now that Liam was back. His older friend chuckled and ruffled the mess of blonde hair on top of his head. “Missed you too bub.. Missed you too!” He laughed, before stepping away to let the other boys say hello. “Are these bags, the one and only ‘bags!?’ The moving home bags Ni!?” Harry beamed, genuinely excited at the possibility of his little friend returning to their living quarters. Niall smiled, albeit shyly, and directed his glance towards Louis. “They are in fact Nialls ‘moving home bags!’ One day early but I think he deserves it!” The oldest boy spoke gleefully, giving Niall yet another hair ruffle. “Oh Ni!!! Welcome home babes! Proud of you!” Zayn pulled him in for a hug next, and Niall finally gave into all the attention.. He did feel quite special.. His family loved him, and he loved them back.

The day went by as usual, but Niall would be lying if he said he wasn’t especially nervous for dinner & evening activity. I mean, at the hospital, sure he was monitored, but at least he could eat his dinner in peace & he had chosen all his meals before he got them.. It was routine.. It relaxed him knowing that he’d picked all the ones with the lowest calories.  
God, if the boys knew what he was thinking, they’d have him for dinner!  
“Nialler!!! Tea’s on the table!” He heard Louis call from down in the kitchen.. Niall had spent the afternoon unpacking his things & watching the footy with Harry.. But now, it was that dreaded time of the day, and he feared most what they had cooked up for him this time. He shuffled downstairs, aware he looked like he was moping, but he couldn’t help it as the scent of butter chicken curry wafted through his nostrils.. Indian! Are you fucking kidding me? Were they trying to torture him? Like he had almost read Nialls exact thoughts, Harry appeared in from of him & raised an eyebrow.. “Don’t worry, Liam made dhal and rice for you..” The younger boy said. Niall breathed a half sigh of relief, before becoming offended at the fact that Liam had made a separate ‘healthier’ meal for him.. Obviously he thought he was fat!  
Though he was back to being grateful when he was eating it.. It saved him from the impending guilt that would’ve swallowed him whole if he’d been forced to indulge in what the boys were consuming.. He tried hard to look away. 

“Good job Ni!” Liam congratulated him as he cleared Nialls dish from the table. He’d finished two small bowls of Dahl, one with rice and one without. He still felt incredibly stuffed and uncomfortable, he couldn’t wait to go have a shower, he desperately needed to clear his airways. “Thanks for dinner.. It was good.. Can I have a shower now?” Niall felt a little ridiculous for asking permission, but he knew the boys would appreciate it. “Uhmm.. Yes you can Ni.. But we were talking.. and.. we think it’s best for you to always have someone in the room with you after meals.. Just so you’re not tempted to engage in any.. unhelpful behaviour, you know?” Louis spoke gently, and Niall could tell he was unsure of how to go about this situation. “You can use the ensuite attached to Liam’s room and just leave the door ajar.. One of us will chill on the bed in there while you’re using the bathroom, ok?” Lou continued, and before Niall had the chance to refuse, Zayn was whisking him away, up the stairs and towards Liam’s room. Niall followed in his older friends silence as he watched Zayn grab a fresh towel out of a passing cupboard.. He closed the door behind them as they entered the bedroom and Zayn turned to look Niall in the eye. “Are you okay?” He said, placing his two hands on Nialls delicate shoulders. Niall didn’t know the driving force behind the tears that were forming, but they were unstoppable now. Nialls lower lip trembled, and he looked down at the floor to shield the glassiness in his eyes. “Shhh.. I get it baby.. I get it.. It’s okay.. I’m here for you..” Zayn let Niall cry into the crook of his neck.. He held his younger brother closer. “I know.. It’s overwhelming isn’t it.. There’s a lot to take in, and I’m so sorry about the other day, when I got angry.. I didn’t mean to scare you.. and I won’t do that ever again..” Zayn whispered all of this into Nialls ear, only for him to hear. “I want you to be able to trust me.. To be able to tell me anything.. Without having to fear i’ll.. you know.. lose my shit.. I’m not like that Niall.. You know me! I think Liam and Lou were just rubbing off on me way too much, and I behaved so out of character.. Will you forgive me Ni? Zayn looked on the verge of tears himself, and Niall felt deep remorse for all that he’d put his older brother through.. Zayn was soft and sensitive and had a heart of gold.. and sometimes Niall forgot about how all of the chaos might effect him. “No, I’m sorry Zee.. I’m so sorry.. I love y-you!” Niall cried, and Zayn shushed him, squeezing him tight one last time before guiding him into the bathroom. “Wash up baby.. I’m right outside the door.. We’re leaving it open okay?” Zayn was understanding and empathetic and he let Niall be, to undress and step under the warm water, to let the tears drift further down his naked body and away with the drain. Niall was grateful for his friends.. But sometimes, he was even more grateful for his time alone. 

Taking day by day was Nialls current tactic. He knew all eyes were peeled and focused on him. Like a hawk on their prey, the boys rarely let him out of their sights.. It was no surprise really.. He knew coming into the trial period they would be intensely on him (about everything..) He just had to make it through this week and he would be into the clearing.  
The first and second day flew by, Niall was busy getting everything back in order. After living out of a suitcase for so long, it was just nice to have a cupboard.. and a sock drawer! He would never take those things for granted again! The third day came with its challenges.. Meals were getting harder, as Niall had no say in what was put in front of him. He liked how Liam had done it before.. He usually gave Niall a few options to pick from, but for some reason he wasn’t cooking this week. Instead; Harry was. Niall glowered just thinking about it.. Who on earth decided it was a good idea to put Harry in charge of meals these days.. Geez.. Did they all have a death wish? He knew better than to complain though.. He couldn’t afford to have any bad blood between himself and the boys.. They would definitely communicate it back to the Doctors, and that would be it! Niall would be in-patient again by the end of the week.. (No thanks!!!) He kept his thoughts to himself, and settled back to eat his waffles in silence.

“Good job on breakfast Nialler! You’re passing by flying colours! Keep it up and you’ll be staying on at home!” Louis gave him a pat on the back as he passed the kitchen table where Niall sat, unable to move just yet, he was so damn full. Zayn, who sat beside him, had sensed Nialls physical discomfort.. He went to place a hand on the younger boys knee.. “It’ll get easier babes.. It’s just your stomach isn’t used to a regular amount of food.. Give it some time yeah?”  
Niall nodded but kept looking down. To say he was embarrassed was an understatement.. He couldn’t believe what his life had come to now.. Listening to his friends tell him how to run his body and what to expect from it, was a little sad to say the least. “Sooo, we need to leave in 20 minutes guys.. Can you be ready?” Louis interrupted his thoughts, by lighting a fire under them. “C’mon! Get a move on!!” He snapped, before turning on his heel and prancing off towards the bathroom. Zayn and Niall both exchanged a knowing look, rolled their eyes and giggled like naughty school boys. “I guess we should go Ni.. C’mon, I’ll help you pick something to wear..” Zayn pulled Niall up out of his seat and towed him towards the bedroom. Niall was kinda dreading his first interview back after being off work for so long. The boys had insisted that everything would go smoothly and that Niall didn’t even have to talk if he didn’t want to.. He was thinking he would probably take them up on that offer. 

Of course, not everything went smoothly..  
And Niall certainly didn’t get away with his ‘no talking’ strategy. He was triggered multiple times throughout the interview and on the verge of tears at one point. Liam had been sitting next to him, and Niall didn’t think the older boys hand had left its position on his thigh the entire time.. Every now and then Li would run his thumb back and forth over Nialls knee, keen to provide comfort if he sensed Niall was becoming tense. Liam observed that when the Interviewer asked direct questions relating to girls or intimate subjects, Niall was at a loss for words.. And when the interviewer told Niall that he was looking well, the Irish boy couldn’t even look her in the eye. Liam bit his lip hard and mentally willed Niall to find the strength & put the tears away.. Just until later. Luckily Louis saved the day by changing the subject with ease.. and Liam felt Nialls body relax beside him. The poor thing, he thought to himself.. “You’re doing well Ni.. We’re almost done..” He couldn’t help but whisper a quick word of encouragement to his younger friend.. And then he prayed that the interview would be over, that they’d be saved by the bell! Lucky enough, Paul had been watching from the side lines and noticed Niall fading away. They got out of there a tad early and Liam picked up the broken pieces that was Nialls emotional state all the way home, and further on into the night. Could they do this? Could they have him back full time? Liam shook the thoughts away immediately.. Cursing himself for even doubting Nialls return for a second! Of course they could have him!! They would have him no matter what condition he was in..  
He was theirs.

“You are loved, you are beautiful, you are special, you are smart, you are worthy, you are talented, you are-“  
“Harry! I know you’re trying to make Niall feel better, but I don’t think that’s working!” Louis strode over to the couch that Niall was sat on, knees curled up to his chin & arms wrapped tightly around his shins, trying to keep himself from falling apart. Harry had taken to kneeling in front of the other boy, and firing compliments at him, one after the other. Of course it was an expression of love, & Harrys intention was pure, but something about the way Niall was rocking himself back and forth made Louis question if it was the best tactic to use on their sensitive Irish boy.. Day 5 of Nialls home trial and it had been a shocker of an afternoon.. They had done a live video and Q&A in the back room of the industrial building they were working in, and at first, everything was moving fine.. But of course, people will always be people; good or bad. Live comments were popping up everywhere, all over their laptop screen..  
Hate, hate, hate, hate! And yes, they were used to seeing a few negative words amongst many positives, but this, this was all aimed at Niall.. And the phrases that were most dangerous to Ni’s ears, were pretty much being shouted at him from the rooftops. ‘Nialls packed on some weight!’ ‘Niall looked way better before!’ What happened to Niall? He looks shocking!’ Bla bla bla bla... Louis was ready to punch something.  
“I think Nialler just needs a cuddle and a lay down Haz.. Just let him be for a bit yeah?” Louis watched on with a broken heart as Harry took his advice and went to sit quietly beside Niall on the sofa. He guided his friends head to his shoulder and planted a kiss a top of the blond waves that was Nialls hair. It wasn’t long before the softest, most delicate of sobbing filled the area of which they occupied. Louis could hardly bear it.. He had to make a quick escape to the bathroom so he could take a breather and pull himself together.. For Nialls sake! 

That evening, Liam rocked Niall to sleep on the couch as they watched the sport on TV. He had just spent the past three hours consoling the younger boy and vowing to him that all those comments he had read were absolute rubbish and he should pay not attention to them whatsoever! He wasn’t sure Niall had been listening to him at all, because the further the night stretched on, the more distraught the younger lad seemed to be getting. By 8pm Liam had a roaring headache and his insides were feeling hot & bothered.. “Please, Ni-baby.. Close your eyes, just close your eyes and try to sleep my love.. I promise it will be better tomorrow..” Liam’s voice was strained and slightly shaken.. He just wanted to put his hands over Nialls eyes and black them out himself! He settled for stroking his fingertips up and down Ni’s exposed arm, he knew the Irish boy liked soft tickles to put him to sleep. Like magic, 8:30 came around and Niall was out cold.. Liam thanked the angels and leaned his head back to rest against the lounge as he let out a sigh of painful relief. 

“So what do you think about Niall coming back home permanently? What day are we on? Has it been 6 days since they discharged him?” Paul had called Louis, Zayn and Liam in for a meeting.. Niall and Harry had stayed at home and for all they knew, the older boys were just out to lunch. Louis was the first one to speak up.. “I think we’re up for the challenge? Aren’t we lads? I mean, I know it’s been tough.. and there’s already been a few mishaps.. but it’s Niall! He needs to be at home with us.. We can look after him.. Don’t you guys reckon?” Louis sounded quietly confident but when he took one look at Liam’s face, he regretted coming on so strong. “I-I... Honestly, I love Niall more than life itself, but.. I don’t.. I don’t think I am good at looking after him at the moment.. I am failing him.. Really.. I-I just don’t know what’s happened to me!” Liam’s voice was trembling, and so was his hands. Zayn moved over to Liam’s side of the couch, he threw his arm around his friends broad shoulders and squeezed him affectionately. “Li, you are not failing him.. You are just really, really exhausted and this whole situation with Ni getting sick and all that, has shot your nervous system.. You’re just stressed out and you need to let us take care of him for a little while, okay?” Liam didn’t really have time to respond before Louis had jumped in with more to add.. “Yeah mate.. Don’t you worry about a thing.. We will manage Niall, and all you have to do is go about your day as usual.. With the addition of Nialler hugs being put back on your agenda.. Not so bad, hey!?” Louis had to get his last word in, he knew Liam would come around eventually! “Well.. What do you say Li?” Paul glanced at Liam, an eyebrow raised in question.. “Okay! Yes, okay.. Of course.. Of course I want him home.. I am being ridiculous!” He let out a breath he didn’t even know he had been holding. “Great!! You don’t have to worry about a thing Li! I promise you now!” Louis, skipped over to ruffle Liam’s hair with endearment. “Lets go tell him!”

Niall was confused to say the least.  
He was so fucking confused.  
He thought he’d been doing well! He thought they would be happy with his progress! I mean, as much as he wanted to engage in all the ED behaviours he was used to, he wanted to stay out of hospital even more.. So he had to prove to them that he was really trying! Okay maybe he was exaggerating.. When he said ‘them’ he actually meant Liam. There was something wrong, Liam wasn’t paying him half the attention he usually did. Liam was sleeping, a lot! And not setting as many alarms either.. He was letting the boys do a lot more cooking and cleaning and organising and he just plain well wasn’t himself.. To be completely honest, Niall was scared. He’d been home for two weeks now, he’d passed his initial ‘trial days’ and the Doctors had given him the all clear to continue on with his recovery outside of the hospital. The boys were onto him with most things but naturally they were starting to become lax with bathroom monitoring, and Niall was excited that maybe he could become friends with the toilet bowl once again.. But that was about the extent his excitement would reach.. He was far too caught up with worrying about Liam. 

It was late one afternoon, they had just arrived home from a recording session, their impending album release was fast approaching, followed by a tour.. God it was gonna be a hectic year to come. Niall had been following Liam like a puppy the whole day, he just wanted a cuddle or a kiss or a hair ruffle.. The pat on the back Liam gave him at one point did not count! Niall desperately wanted to get to the bottom of this! “Li! Wanna watch a movie with me?” Niall beamed, his eyes glowing and his lips set into a manipulative little pout. Liam always found it hard to say no to Niall.. But right now, he was just so tired & he had a headache, he was feeling jittery and he needed to lay down. “Maybe later darling.. I’m gonna have a nap..”  
Niall was so close to protesting when Louis came in after overhearing the conversation.  
“Niall-bug, c’mon, let’s leave Liam to rest and we’ll watch a movie together instead hmm?” He said, putting his hand out so Niall could take it without fuss. Of course, that’s not the way things usually worked out. Niall frowned at Louis and then glanced back up to Liam, pleading at him with his baby blue eyes.  
“I think I wanna lay down actually.. Can I have a nap in your bed too? Please?” He asked Liam, his voice rising a couple of octaves, he was testing out all the tricks in the book. He knew Li was a sucker for his Irish cuteness.  
“No bubba, you go with Louis.. I just need some peace and quiet..” He responded, and you could hear there was guilt lacing his every word. “I can be quiet! Seriously! I’m tired too, I’ll just fall asleep, I promise!” Niall was not giving up. “Nope! Niall, that’s enough! Come on, leave Liam be please..” Louis grabbed his hand and tugged him away from his other friend. What on earth was going on here! When Niall looked back over his shoulder, he saw that Liam was already gone, walking up towards his bedroom.. Not even a moment of love or affection spared for his Nialler.  
He tried to ignore the hurt that was welling up inside him and went to sit with Louis, they started a movie.. Soon Zayn & Harry joined them, bringing along bowls of spaghetti, Parmesan cheese melting like glue on top of the bright red tomato and meat concoction.. Just delicious.. They ate dinner together on the couch and Niall tried, but couldn’t shake his sour mood the entire time. Half way through the film, Niall had a thought, he’d finished his entire meal and he felt fat.. And Liam was ignoring him.. And Niall knew why.. Ever since Niall had started eating more again, Liam had taken to rejecting him.. Cause he was getting fat.. Cause he was fat! Cause he was probably so so embarrassed by Niall and his ever growing body! No! This can’t be happening!  
I can’t deal with this anymore! Niall stood up abruptly from the couch and started off for the bathroom. “Just going to the loo..” he said to the others, who were all still engrossed in whatever was playing on the screen. He didn’t wait around for them to respond.. He needed out - now!!!! He headed straight to the main bathroom, tried not to slam the door and bent down on his knees, head hanging low into the toilet bowl. “Ahhh shit!!!” He used his fingers to ram down the back of his throat, gag upon gag.. God he hadn’t done this in a while.. He was super rusty. It took him at least another minute before the first of his meal appeared on the porcelain in front of him. “Fucking mince!” He coughed up the ground meat in chunks and cringed when he momentarily confused the tomato paste for blood. A second and third round came through, moving smoother, he thought maybe he’d gotten rid of most the pasta by now. He was just about to go in for a fourth round, cause may as well try for lunch too.. when the door swung open, it’s hinges screeched loudly as it flung back to hit the wall behind it. He was reefed away from the toilet bowl, he was slammed against the wall and shaken hard and fast, back and forth, his head bobbled around like one of those dog figurines that sat in the windows of old ladies cars. “What do you think you’re doing!!!! Is this some kind of sick joke to you!! Get yourself over here!!!” It was Liam and my God he was angry. He yanked Nialls hands under the running tap water, letting it wash away the grime that was fixed to the younger boys fingernails. He noticed that Niall was crying quietly beside him, Liam didn’t let it deter him, he tightened his grip on the smaller boy and twisted the tap off. He stared at Niall for a half second, there was rage steaming through his body and before either of them could do anything to stop it, Liam’s hand flung back, and with momentum sprung forward, with incredible force it struck Nialls left cheek.. A loud slap echoed throughout the bathroom and probably into the hallway. Nialls scream was louder, and definitely would’ve made it to the front room where the other boys were. Without a second thought, Liam yanked Nialls pants down to his knees and went on to assault his bare bum nine more times than he’d done to his face. “You are a spoilt brat Niall!!” He yelled over the younger boys wailing. “God so help me or you won’t be able to sit for a month!” Suddenly there was another loud & booming voice in the room.. It was far more frantic than angry though. “Liam!!! Stop!!! It’s too much!!! You’re hurting him!!!” Zayn was at the door and Louis barged past him to go grab a hold of Liam’s shoulders. “Li, stop, you gotta stop.. It’s okay, you’re okay, he’s okay.. But you’ve gotta stop now.. You’re really hurting him.. C’mon..” Louis was so strangely calm but incredibly serious all at once. Nialls sobbing didn’t subside when Liam loosened his grip and stepped away. The blonde boy, stumbled to the corner of the bathroom, ramming himself into the wall, and sliding down to the floor, he cowered his face in the dark of his hands, his whole body convulsing in fear and in fiery pain.  
He heard the toilet flush beside him and someone was now sitting on the closed lid of it. “Hey beautiful.. It’s okay.. can you take my hand? I’m gonna carry you ok? That a boy.. That’s my boy.. I love you..” Niall listened to the voice even though his body told him not to. He felt himself being lifted into someone’s arms.  
“Where’s Li?” The voice said, it sounded frail, with an edge of caution.  
“Lou’s taken him outside.. It’s okay.. Just bring him into my room..”  
Halfway down the hall, Niall realised he was in Harry’s arms and now he thinks they were heading to Zayns room. “Shush.. Its alright baby.. Lets take a look at the damage yeah?”  
“Zayn!” Harry hissed, it was just such an insensitive way to describe Nialls unfortunate scattering of red hand marks. “What? I’m sorry..” Zayn whispered back, it was for the lack of a better word he guessed. “Can you just.. go get two ice packs?” Harry sighed, all the while still petting Nialls hair as the blond boy lay trembling on the bed. Zayn left, and Harry willed him to hurry.. His dear little cheek looked throbbingly painful.. It was the brightest red Harry had even seen on skin before.. It wrapped from the corner of Nialls mouth, to beyond his ear.. The delicate skin on his eyelid looked swollen and it was turning pink in colour as Harry watched. That left side of Nialls face was definitely going to blister and bruise, and in that moment Harry was absolutely fuming.. He was livid! He couldn’t for the life of him believe that Liam could do something like this! Like, yeah of course, he’s used to Liam being a hard-ass when it came down to Nialls behaviour and putting him into line. He’d even seen Liam spank the poor boys bum at the recording studio that one time.. Or in the car when Niall kicked the seat in.. Or that other time he dumped a frozen coke down Zayns white linen shirt.. Just before they went on stage.. The wardrobe staff were furious.. and so was Liam. But this time was so, so different.. It wasn’t disciplinary, it wasn’t acting out of love.. It was... abusive.. & angry and unrelenting.. There was a shiver that ran down Harry’s spine and he realised that his whole body had been infected with goosebumps. What in Gods name was wrong with Liam? Something was seriously going down! He shifted his focus back to Niall when Zayn came in and placed one ice pack on top of a washer and laid it to rest on Nialls inflamed cheek. “What should we do Zee? Like, what on earth just happened?” Harry’s voice was so unstable, slipping in and out of octaves, he was barely holding himself together. Zayn let out a sigh and inwardly cursed himself for what he was about to tell the boys.. but he knew it would be for the best. “Haz.. There’s something we haven’t told you yet.. Or Ni.. I guess I should let Liam explain, but I think it’s too far past that point by now..”  
“Zayn, what the hell! What haven’t you told me? You have to let us know.. We can’t be out of the loop like this!” Harry exclaimed, he was getting worked up & Zayn had to give him a warning look incase Niall followed in the youngest’s suit. “Ni, baby, are you able to listen to my voice? It’s important..” Zayn cooed at him, brushing away a few lone tears that were still making their way down his flushed face. His trembling had subsided but Zayn could tell just by looking at the pulse on Nialls neck, that his heart was still racing. “Shhh.. Honey.. Take a nice deep breath for me.. There we go.. That’s better isn’t it?”  
Niall nodded as Zayns hand caressed his clammy forehead. “Haz, can you pop that other ice pack on?” Zayn asked, quietly gesturing to Niall bottom half. In that moment, Niall was glad his exposed cheek was already red from being slapped.. But he could feel himself heat up even more as Harry quickly slipped the frozen pouch underneath the back of his loose fitting track pants. Niall squirmed and whined when the sting of the ice met his raw, bare & burning skin. “It’s okay.. ohh babe.. I’m so sorry..” Harry whispered, moving around the bed to kneel beside Zayn once again. “Ni.. Gosh.. I don’t even know where to begin.. I.. All I know is that you definitely deserve an explanation.. And, well, I’m just going to give it to you, on Liam’s behalf.. okay?” Zayn started, still gently combing his fingers through the sweaty strands of Nialls hair. Both the boys nodded, Harry felt even more out of the loop than usual by this point. “So, I guess it all began back around the time when you were first admitted.. You remember how devastated and worried Liam was, don’t you?”  
Niall nodded once, of course he remembered..  
“Well, he was just.. so, so worried about you Ni.. He was losing sleep every night over it.. He was absolutely beside himself when you were admitted to hospital.. He would sit up for hours and hours watching the telly with you on his mind.. I think he averaged on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night that first couple of weeks..”  
Harry was nodding in agreement, he knew all of this already. Zayn took another deep breath and continued. “He started getting headaches, waking up with one and going to bed with one, then it was migraines.. high blood pressure, heart palpitations.. Insomnia & nightmares.. Babe.. Liam’s having a major breakdown honey.. He’s taken on far too much responsibility when it comes to you, and he’s made himself sick with worry & stress.. Liam and Louis didn’t actually go away to do Fragrance the other day, they went up North so Liam could attend some specialist appointments.. He’s been seeing a Doctor every week and now he’s got this Psychiatrist up the coast.. They’ve prescribed him this new medication.. And well.. There’s no excuse for how Liam handled you before.. But he only just started it, and there are some adverse effects that can occur within the first month.. The Doctor said to report back if Liam has any extreme changes in behaviour and shows noticeable signs of aggression and irritability.. I guess this definitely qualifies for that.. And as I said before, there’s no excuse.. But well, Liam’s just not himself at the moment.. And that’s why we’ve been trying to keep you two distant from each other.. Do you sorta understand where I’m coming from?” Zayn had a sad look on his face and was frowning down at Niall with glassy eyes. Niall was in shock, he managed a half nod but his mind was swirling with hateful thoughts for himself.. Oh how he had ruined their lives! Ruined Liam! Liam of all people! His Daddy in the group, the one who even though he wasn’t coping, still turned up everyday to pick up Niall from the hospital and cared for him like a Mother would to their child.. Who still managed to hide all of this from Niall and also from Harry, by plastering a smile on his face and maintaining his protective & loving persona. In this moment, Niall absolutely loathed himself.. And Liam was utterly and painfully right when he had said Niall was nothing but a spoilt brat. “He h-hates-s ME-EEE!!” Niall wailed, tears bursting from every duct and pouring down his face once again.. Oh how much can one little person cry - Zayn thought to himself. But he played his role well, and pulled Niall into his arms for a cuddle. “No he does not Niall.. The complete opposite in fact.. He loves you very, very much.. and believe me when I say that he would be resenting himself right now.. He needs to change his meds straight away.. and I promise you, he did not mean to hurt you like he did.. I’m sure he’ll tell you all of this himself.. But just know this babe.. He loves you so, so much.. and so do we.” Zayn looked over to Harry, who was wiping his own tears away and sniffling quietly into his sleeve. “C’mon now boys.. Its not the end of the world.. We’re all gonna get back on track together.. Starting with your poor little face Ni.. I’m still so, so sorry this happened to you darling.. It’s not fair.. It must be so painful.. We’re gonna get you all better okay? You’ve gotta keep this cold compress on there honey.. and the other one too..” He held the cool pack softly to Nialls cheek when the younger boy wriggled to get away from it.. “C’mon, keep it there Ni.. We really want this to get better..” Harry finally made himself known again, and Zayn assumed his previous silence was due to all the new information he now had to process.. And obviously, he seemed upset for Liam & of course, for Niall even more so. “I’ll keep it on him if you go get his Pj’s and his water bottle? He should stay in your bed tonight I think..” Harry directed Zayn without even looking up to glance at him, all of his attention was set back on Niall. Zayn nodded in agreement and went to do as Harry asked. They helped him to bed fairly easily, though Niall refused to take off his trackies to put on pajama shorts instead, so they let him be, understanding his reason for hesitation. “Goodnight my love.. I’ll come to bed soon, I’m just going to chat with the other boys first.. Call out if you need anything..” Zayn left him with a kiss on the brow and turned to head out of the room, he could hear that Liam and Louis were back, quietly moving about in the kitchen area downstairs. “Nigh Nigh little bear.. I love you!” Harry kissed him as well, and Niall couldn’t help but giggle when his friends long curls tickled his face. “Love you..” Niall echoed, as he watched Harry leave, the door softly clicking shut behind him. After a moment of basking in the silence, he wasn’t sure he could fall asleep unless he had said it.  
“Love you too Liam..” He whispered into the darkness.. And with that, Nialls lights went out.. & soundlessly he slept that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, Friendships are tough, but beautiful, and I love writing about them. Stay tuned if you are interested! Thanks again for reading! ❤️ X


	7. Bones break and mine heal harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall was stuck like glue to the boys during their studio run-through. He had to be in contact with at least one of them the entire time. Niall had no idea when the overly dependent feeling had prevailed him that morning, but he had to admit, it was quite extreme, even for him! Maybe, just maybe, it was because he felt, kinda happy today?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff, more angst and so on!  
> Also a slightly too graphic and slightly TOO gross sick Nialler scene oops... LOL!!!  
> What can I say..? Probably should’ve toned it down.. But, what’s done is done! P :D

When Ni was down, he was in a dark hole.. When he was hurting, he was inconsolable..  
When he had fucked up, he hated himself.  
But if it happened that Niall were to ever cause suffering to one of his boys, well then, he would have to completely and destructively drown himself in his own loathing.. He would never again want to see his reflection in the mirror staring back at him.. If he had inflicted pain on one of his boys.. He would have to... it was his only choice.. He would have to.. He would have to... He would have to..  
...take a blade to his wrist.. & kill himself. 

A shrill scream in the dark, stale air chocking his insides, tears cascading down his neck and sweat drenching through his clothes.. Zayn awoke to the sound of a night terror that wasn’t his own, but may as well have been. “Niall! Baby!” Zayn could almost hear the thumping sound of the younger boys heart.. And Zayns own rhythmic beat wasn’t far behind it. “Wake up! Wake up!” He cried out to his younger brother, reaching over the large bed they were sharing, to reef Niall onto his back. Zayn gasped in his own fear as Niall struck forward, bolt upright now.. A pitch Zayn would never be able to replicate even in his singing range, left Nialls lips, a screech so loud and mortifying, Zayn glanced to the alarm system on the wall to make sure it hadn’t been triggered. “Niall! Niall! Baby! It’s okay!! It’s a dream! It’s a dream!” Zayn lurched himself forward, taking the younger boy into his arms and pulling them back against the headboard together. The soul wrenching cries that now replaced Nialls screams were nearing worse in comparison.. They were almost more agonising to listen to.. But Zayn did not falter.. He held that boy like it were his own child.. Holding him was all he knew how to do in this very moment.. “I love you.. I love you.. I’ve got you.. I love you..” He didn’t know what else to say either. Nialls whole frame was convulsing.. Zayn had been right before, about his heart.. It was drumming out of his chest and his breathing was just as laboured. Hold on.. Hold on Niall, he mentally willed the boy to fight, to hold on just for a moment longer.. Zayn could hear doors being opened and then being slammed, frantic voices, someone else crying? And the pounding of feet rushing down the hallway towards them. Liam was in the room before Zayn could even blink, and once he was there, he was everywhere.. Dark grey track pants low on his hips, he wore no t-shirt and Zayn could see Liam’s muscles rippling and expanding, the adrenaline had probably streamed in the second he had heard Nialls cries of terror and he had kicked solid into protector gear.. Daddy was here and Zayn couldn’t have been more overwhelmed with relief. “He’s had a nightmare! He’s had a nightmare! He can’t breathe Li! Help him!” Zayns voice was shaking, tears threatening to spill out as he watched Niall struggle to maintain consciousness in his arms. Louis was behind Zayn, pulling him into his hold as Liam did the same to Niall in front of them.. He let the distraught boy stay on the bed, but he had to get a good look at his face. Liam grasped Nialls shoulders to keep him upright, staring deeply into their baby’s eyes. He was too far gone. “He’s gonna pass out boys.. It’s okay.. It’ll be okay..” Liam made a quick announcement to the others and watched as their faces paled. Just as Liam had predicted, within a matter of seconds Nialls whole body went limp and his head slumped to the side, neck rolling at the oddest angle. Zayn yelped when he saw the whites of Nialls eyes that had moved to the rear of his head. Liam had a firm grip on Nialls body and was gently laying him flat onto the mattress, yet trying to manoeuvre the younger lad so he was placed on his side, instead of his back. “It’s okay my sweet boy..” Liam whispered to Niall, even though they all knew he couldn’t hear him. Liam looked up to the others, noticing the devastated look that was plastered onto Zayns face, he felt for his older friend.. He knew how sensitive the dark haired lad could be.. his brooding tough guy act was a total facade and he cared for Nialls health just as much as the rest of them. “It’s okay Zee.. We need to try and be calm for him.. It’ll spark another panic attack otherwise..” Liam gave him a small, reassuring smile and watched as Louis tightened his arms around Zayns thin torso, eager to provide some form of comfort. “Leeyummm..” Nialls voice whined and twisted as though he was in pain from the inside-out.  
“I’m here.. Oh baby! I’ve got you safe and sound ok? Can you look at me darling?”  
Zayn let out a breath he didn’t even realise he’d been holding as he watched Liam gather a now semi-conscious Nialler back up into his arms. “Haz, can you grab a bucket incase Ni gets sick? Remember last time this happened?” Zayn looked over to where Harry was standing just inside the door, his face wet with tears, he looked forlorn, but he hadn’t missed a beat of what was going on. “Yes!” He squeaked out, swirling on his heels and taking off down the hallway. “He alright?” Zayn looked up at Louis with curiosity, Harry had made himself very distant during the whole ordeal. “He’s fine.. He said he didn’t want to see Niall like that again.. We told him he didn’t have to.. And he could wait outside.. We can’t all be like Daddy D here..” Louis’ tone held sincere concern for Harry, but he didn’t miss the opportunity to take a jab at Liam’s stage presence.. “Shhh Lou... I am not proud of myself at the moment.. And I am not worthy of that title while Niall still has an.. injured cheek..” Liam’s voice was so broken, Louis cringed at the fact he had just made light of the situation. “I’m so sorry angel..” A silent tear had made its way down Liam’s face.. He leant in to kiss Niall twice on each of his closed eyelids, gently and slowly, they were salty from his tears and the wet lashes pressed against Liam’s lips.. “You’re my heaven..” He whimpered into Nialls skin.. He felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder as one of the other boys tried to comfort him. Niall stiffened slightly in Liam’s arms, his breathing turned ragged and he tried to sit up on his own.. “Li.. Don’t feel good..” He cried, clutching at his mouth when he gagged on the bile rising in his throat. “Hold on baby!” He tried to urge Niall to keep it in by giving him a quick peck on the lips.. “Seal them shut love..” he prompted, and watched as Niall obeyed by pressing his mouth together in a tight line, screwing his face up with the effort. “Harry!?” Liam hollered loud enough so the boy would be able to hear him from wherever he may be in the house.. and that definitely was the question at hand! Why on earth was he taking so damn long! The reply from Harry came instantly; an incoherent shout echoed from down in the kitchen.. Obviously he hadn’t sensed the urgency in the situation before. Liam looked at Nialls face, which had now coloured itself green, his cheeks were contracting and expanding with every breath he took. “Off my bed Liam! Take him out!! Quick!!” Zayn hadn’t meant to sound like a snob, he was honestly concerned with Nialls well-being, but the last thing he felt like doing right now was going to sleep in a vomit-laden duvet cover. Liam scooped Niall up without a second thought, trying not to jostle the boy too much, he rushed towards the door, aiming for the bathroom that was just down the hall. They met Harry at the top of the stairs just as Liam felt warm chunks of liquid flowing down the bare skin on his back. “Awww no! Nialler...” Harry yelped as he shoved the plastic bowl underneath the sick boys chin. “Ahh jeez...” Liam couldn’t help but moan in frustration at the unfortunate position they had landed themselves in. Of course, it wasn’t Niallers fault, he reminded himself, trying to fight the urge to release Niall to the ground and make a quick escape to the shower in his own ensuite.. away from all the chaos! He knew how to be a better man though.. He was a far better big brother than he gave himself credit for.. He’d protect Niall at all costs, whether it meant he be in discomfort or none at all.. Niall was his priority. They managed to get the blonde boy knelt on the ground, head buried in the inconveniently small, plastic cooking bowl Harry had thought to be sufficient in size. Liam felt a towel being thrown over his back and he knew it had to be Louis that was removing Nialls sick that had seeped to the waistband of his pajama pants.. No way anyone else would be able to stomach that. “Go have a shower Li.. We’ve got him.. It’s okay.. Chuck your trackies too mate..” Louis cringed slightly as he bobbed down next to Liam, who was holding Nialler upright and helping him aim; as the boy was still busied losing yesterdays meals to the bucket. Louis carefully took hold of Niall, inserting himself into the place Liam had been sat. “I can’t bear this Lou.. But I also can’t bear being away from him either.. You saw what it did to me.. The separation? It almost killed me & him! I know you think I need to hand over responsibility and all that.. But when I did that, I lost touch with my instincts and you saw what that made me do! I need to be able to protect him..” Louis looked up at his anxious friend.. He sighed and shook his head with sympathy.. He wasn’t going to let this one sticky situation undo all their hard work. “Li.. I understand.. But there’s a balance you need to find.. And there are just some things that you need to be okay with.. Right now, thats leaving Niall to me, and taking yourself off to the shower.. Please! Harry! Go with him?” Louis let his sentence close with finality, he moved to position himself completely behind Niall, which formed a barrier against Liam’s view of the sick boy. He heard their largest member sigh in defeat.. It wasn’t long before Harry was guiding him further down the hall towards his bedroom.. and he swore he heard Liam sob just once, above all the other commotion.  
Louis glanced back down to Niall who was now being coached by Zayn in breathing techniques.. Their smallest one was starting to hyperventilate again.. “Li! Uhh! Li! Uhhh! Li!!” He was panting through ragged breaths, his eyes going wild and his chest drumming beneath Louis’ hands. “Ah for fucks sake!!” He cursed so loud that Niall jumped in his arms, a high pitched squeal left his mouth and was successful in drawing the others back to the scene. “Harry!! Bring’im over ere!! Get Liam over here now!!” Louis inwardly cursed himself this time, his plan had really gone down in flames, lasting all of 36 fucking seconds. 

“What a fucking night..” Louis groaned, dropping his head into his palms and leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. They were currently sprawled on the couches, majority of them had headaches from their broken sleep the night just gone. It was now past 9am and Niall was still resting in Liam’s room.. They were allowing him all the time they could spare until they needed to get him up and ready for their 10:30 start at work. Liam was feeling nauseous at the fact that he was going to have to explain Nialls slapped face to Paul that day.. He was not looking forward to the older mans reaction.. But nonetheless, Liam deserved every penny of the abuse that was surely heading his way! “I still don’t think Ni should be coming, he’s not up for it! I can ring Paul now and tell him everything that’s happened, and then I can stay with him here for the day?” Liam pleaded with the others, directing his glance mainly at Louis who was still shaking his head back and forth in his hands. “Liam! Seriously mate... To be honest, I don’t trust you right now to be alone with Niall.. You’re too unstable yourself! You need to go fix your meds and get back on track..” Louis moved to set his gaze on Liam’s face, he immediately began to regret his choice in words.. Liams expression was one they rarely saw the lad wear.. He looked completely and utterly helpless. “Ahh mate.. I’m sorry..” Louis sighed, he felt the urge to go and place an arm around the back of Liam’s broad shoulders, but Harry had already beat him to it. “We all know how much it kills you to have to distance yourself from Ni.. I get it.. You want to help him.. But can’t you see; you need to take care of yourself first, in order to take care of someone else.. That’s blatantly obvious enough isn’t it?”  
Liam felt dejected.. He knew what Louis was saying was 100% the truth.. “I know.. I know.. And I will get myself back on track, don’t you worry.. I’ll be right as rain in no time.. I’ll be back to the normal me! I just need, just a couple weeks.” Liam tried to convince himself more than the others.. He needed to take his mental health seriously so he could be there for Niall once again. Harry’s hand on his back moved slowly in circles, it was a hesitant touch, almost a foreign and unexplored gesture from their youngest member.. It was unfamiliar for all of them, to have to be sensitive around Liam, to have to comfort him.. He was their ‘Daddy’ too.. and even though they wouldn’t admit it to his face, they were just as scared as he was.. They needed him back just as much as Niall did. “Love you Li..” Harry whimpered, emotions heightened, as he watched their strongest member tear at the seams. Liam looked down at Harry, who had his mop of curly-matted hair almost leant against Liam’s shoulder.. But that spot was reserved for Niall, Harry had a fleeting thought, and didn’t quite allow himself to rest his head. “I love you too darl’n..” Liam whispered, bringing his hand up to Harry’s right ear and tugging the boy towards him. Harry’s heart swelled at the pet name Liam had just called him.. Once again, that sort of thing was usually retained just for Niall, but Harry welcomed it with the fondest of feelings. He heard Liam sigh above him, the older boy was now giving the side of Harry’s scalp a light massage.. “I’m sorry I am always so caught up with Ni.. I feel like I forget to give you the attention you deserve Hazza..” Liam moaned, and Harry wasn’t about to let him drown himself in more guilt than necessary. “Li! I don’t need your attention the way Niall does.. Don’t feel bad for loving us the way you do.. It’s what comes naturally that counts the most.. And for the record; you do enough for me without all the sloppy kisses either way!” Harry giggled, and let himself be smothered in smooches from his older friend, just this once. “I love all of you the same.. With all my heart!” Liam gushed, eager to get all this emotion off his chest in one hit. “Alright, alright! We get it Li! We know you love us! And we love you too!” Louis laughed now, standing to go & ruffle the neatened hair that was atop of Liam’s head. “I’ll go get the little trouble-maker up and out of bed.. No following me Liam!” Zayn tittered, a soft smile on his face as he passed the other boys, heading straight for the room Niall slept in.. He wasn’t actually sure where he’d spent the rest of his night.. Probably with Liam.. He sighed as he found himself to be correct.. Niall still curled up in a crescent moon shape, blankets bundled in his fists, it was hard to believe that there had been anguish in his features just hours before. Zayn kissed his face to wake him and was met with butterfly lashes flitting lightly against his stubble in return. “Zaynie..” the younger boy peeped, fussing slightly as he realised it was time to begin their day.. Zayn hummed and hushed him. “Shhh, I know..” he silenced him with one last kiss to the forehead.. He waited as Niall used the bathroom; keeping the door ajar, that rule was back in play. When the younger lad stepped out, cheeks flushed in a bashful manner, Zayn took him into his arms.. “Be a good boy today.. Please..” he almost begged Niall.. Liam’s face was in his mind as he did.. They couldn’t bear another hindrance just yet.. At least not until tomorrow.

“And then I was goalie for only five minutes before Harry kicked the ball SO hard I had to jump to get it.. And THEN.. Well.. this happened.. but Paullll, it doesn’t matter about my face, because I blocked a goal! That’s what matters, right!?!” Liam gawked at Niall from across the studio room as he listened to the boy ramble on (quite convincingly) to Paul about how he had managed to get his face into the state it was in. “What is he doing!!?” Liam hissed, he didn’t know whether to feel angry at the boy or just completely and wholly heartbroken. “You should be grateful you big jerk!! Now he’s thrown me under the bus!!” Harry looked just as mortified as Liam but anger was his winning emotion at play. Zayn could hardly contain himself as he shook with silent laughter, using a pillow to cover his face as he lay reclined on the couch. “Maybe it’s not such a bad thing Liam.. A little white lie never hurt no one!” Louis smirked, shaking his head as he listened to Nialls continued raving about how he’d ALSO been winded in the gut that same game by another one of Harry’s (make believe) yet extremely forceful dropkicks. “No one BUT ME Louis!!!” Harry exclaimed, sending daggers across the room towards their little blonde friend. Zayn was in stitches as he listened to the story getting worse by the second and Paul’s face was hardly as amused as his own. “Someone stop him!” Harry seethed, his voice a low whisper, but his eyes as wide saucers. “Alright, alright! I’ll wrap it up... But what’s done is done.. We’re leaving Nialls story in place..” Louis couldn’t help but chuckle as he made his way over to where Niall and Paul stood beside the table of refreshments. “I guess you’re all up to date then Paul?” Louis rolled his eyes, though in a lighthearted manner and brought Niall in close to ruffle his hair. “Unfortunately.. Yes.. I am.” The older man grumbled, before turning away to move on with his organisation. “Be careful Niall, please? And Harry.. Can’t take my eyes off you for one second I swear.. Go see Lou about covering up that cheek of yours before going anywhere else today!” And with that, Paul had exited the room, still muttering to himself about why he’d thought to sign up for this in the first place..  
Louis pulled Niall closer now.. Nuzzling their heads together like puppies. “Why you little rascal! You’re in trouble now!” He feigned a deep & scary voice whilst diving his hands into the pits of Niall underarms. “LOU-U!!!” Niall gasped, squealing in delight as he fought to get away from his oldest and funniest big brother. “Go give LiLi a hug you naughty boy..” He smiled at him with proud eyes, and gave him a quick peck on the nose before shoving him off towards Liam.  
“Why’d you do that Ni! You weren’t supposed to do that! I-I need to go tell Paul the truth!” Liam was stressing out as per usual and they could tell he was in two minds about the situation. As Louis had directed him; Niall went to throw his arms around Liam’s middle, squeezing him tight and burying his head in the larger boys chest. “Because.. I’m sure I owe you one, after all these years.. I’m taking one for the team.. Well, Harry sorta is, I guess..” Niall squeaked, looking slightly guilty, he peeped one eye out from his hiding spot, just to see if Harry was holding him at knifepoint or not.. He was relieved to see that his Irish luck had saved him today! Harry was flipping him off with one hand whilst hoeing into a giant croissant with the other.. No harm done then. “You are a cheeky little brat, do you know that?” Liam chastised, but he was so, so grateful, and Niall could tell that he had his older brother wrapped around his little finger at this moment in time.. But then again, when didn’t he?

Niall was stuck like glue to the boys during their studio run-through. He had to be in contact with at least one of them the entire time. Niall had no idea when the overly dependent feeling had prevailed him that morning, but he had to admit, it was quite extreme, even for him! Maybe, just maybe, it was because he felt, kinda happy today? Which was definitely odd considering the events of the previous night, and also the state of his face.. But Niall had forgiven Liam, and he understood there was a reason as to why he had acted that way.. He knew Liam would’ve never done such a thing if he was in his right mind.. So he’d chosen (instead of sulking in typical Nialler-fashion) to not hold a grudge against his older friend.. And man, it felt good, no, it felt great to forgive someone! So he clung to Liam’s side as they tried to work through each of their songs.. and he felt like it was only a matter of time before someone would reprimand him for being too distracting or not focusing on the work.. But Niall was surprised by the delight shown on each of the boys faces whenever he turned to snuggle them. “Niall darl’n.. I’m about to go in to record.. Can you go cuddle Zaynie?” Liam pressed a kiss to Nialls clammy forehead without even glancing away from the papers he held in his hands. It took a second for his gaze to falter and he looked up as Niall was turning to go and be with the others. He was warmer.. Liam had just noticed a normal amount of heat in Nialls skin for the first time in months.. For the first time in months, Niall hadn’t been ice cold.. It had felt nice - and it took Liam back to think of a time before Niall got sick.. Of how he used to be; A healthy, pink-cheeked, food-loving, carefree & warm little thing.. with endless amounts of energy.. Liam knew back then that Niall would prepare him for when he would have his own kids someday.. And still to this moment he was doing just that.. Only he was preparing him for the tougher times, the challenges that may lay ahead.. and that was okay. Knocking himself back to the present day, Liam assumed a warm forehead and a light sheen of sweat on his brow for a summers day, was a good sign right? Or was that a fever? Liam scolded himself for being so paranoid, he was supposed to be trying to keep his stress levels down! 

“You are so cuddly today! Why can’t you be this nice all the time?” Louis teased him when Niall moved from Zayns lap to his instead. “I am all the time!” He giggled and ducked his head into Louis’ neck. “It’s you’s who are actually being nice to ME today! You should try it more often!” He whined in a playful tone, earning himself a little warning glance from Zayn, but the accompanying smirk told him there was no real issue. Niall sighed and plopped himself back on the couch beside Zayn again, dropping his head back to rest & closing his eyes.. He took a deep breath.. There was something brewing in his body that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He concentrated..  
Did he need the loo? No..  
Was it his knee? No..  
Was he tired? Sorta? But that wasn’t it..  
Stomach.. Was his stomach hurting? No.. But it was growling.. And just as Niall glanced down at his phone to check the time; he realised that his body had notified him it was hungry.. and he sorta.. wanted to eat. Niall hadn’t felt that for a long, long time and to be honest, he didn’t quite know what to do with these feelings. He glanced up at Louis and then at Zayn.. Both of them were distracted and Liam was in the recording room with Harry now. His stomach growled again and he moved his hands to press down on the (much to Nialls dismay) softening flesh. “Zaynie?” Niall whispered, his cheeks felt a little flushed and he really didn’t know why he felt so embarrassed. Zayn looked up from his phone, directing his unwavering attention completely on Niall.. “Yeah love? What is it?” He asked, obviously intrigued now after seeing the rose pink that had coloured Nialls cheeks entirely. Louis glanced up from his laptop where he had been typing away quite furiously.. His interest peeked also. Niall was a bit like a stunned mullet by this point, his eyes flickered to Louis before darting back to Zayn. He decided in that moment, that he definitely couldn’t say it out loud for both of them to hear.. So with a swift motion, he gathered himself onto his knees and leant over towards Zayn, hand cupping one side of his mouth as though he was about to tell a secret.. Luckily Zayn got the gist, and stretched his ear over so Niall could say whatever it was he needed to say in a private whisper fest. “I’m hungry..” He breathed, so quietly, Zayn had to strain to hear above Louis’ typing. He HAD heard it though.. He would hear that above anything else.. And Zayns chest swelled with pride for his little Nialler. “Of course you are! It’s past 12 o’clock darling! I’m so sorry I didn’t ask before! C’mon, we can finish the work after lunch! Let’s go! Louis! C’mon! We’re going to eat!” Zayn sounded so ecstatic, Niall almost burst into laughter.. His pink cheeks were still present, so he settled on a smile instead. “Oh! Oh! Absolutely! I’m starving! Did Nialler remind you Zee? Niall you’re onto it! I can’t believe the time! Thankyou for telling us! Take my hand love! C’mon!” It seemed that Louis had now caught on & was following suit with the extremely over-the-top performance of the supportive and encouraging big brother act. It was fucking hilarious to be honest! But Niall wouldn’t dare laugh.. He was touched at how seriously they’d taken this whole situation.. Like it was their life on the line.. Something as little as Niall being bold enough to tell them he was hungry, had set their happy hormones into overdrive! It was just so fucking funny!  
And my God... What did he do to deserve a family such as this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy, sad, ups and downs.. Such a roller coaster is recovery! Tell me what you want to see in future chapters below! Thanks again for reading! Xxx


	8. Blueberries & fucking mishaps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Niall calls Liam Daddy.. Not in that way, but still, i’m LMFAO.. 😆
> 
> Chapter showcases trigger points.. Either certain words, conversation, situations, people, environment, etc.. All these things can contribute to, or be a direct trigger for all types of mental illness. Response to trigger points & how it is handled usually varies from person to person, as it is different for each individual.

Days were turning to weeks now, and Niall had lost track of all basic measures of time.. He relied on the boys to tell him when and where he were to be, and what was on their roster each day. His fore focus was to be recovery and recovery only. And God was he trying..  
There were moments where he considered revisiting certain behaviours that were still so familiar and tempting for him, but every time he sat himself down in front of the toilet seat, he pictured Liam’s tortured face, Zayns anxious eyes, Louis’ deflating optimism and Harry’s ever flowing stream of tears. He couldn’t.. He couldn’t put them through that again. He knew how these last recent months had effected their health.. Their minds and their bodies had suffered through it all.. And yet still, it was them waking him up every morning with butterfly kisses, and tucking him in at night, pulling his sheets tight around him and stroking his hair till he fell asleep. 

Today, his curtains were drawn earlier than usual and in floated a voice that was far too cheerful for this time of morning. “Beanie Bear!!! Wakey wakey! Up you getty!”  
Niall rolled his eyes and moved to pull another pillow over the top of his head, in a desperate attempt to block out the stream of dull light that had made its way in. “Piss off Harry!” He grumbled, if it was anyone else, he’s sure he wouldn’t have responded as such.. But he knew that Harry wouldn’t take it to heart.  
“Don’t start that Ni.. I’ll have to grab Liam.. You don’t want to have to deal with that this early do you?” Obviously he was wrong.. Harrys happy voice had quickly faded and Niall realised that his friend was probably just as tired he was. “Hazza, no! I’m coming..” Niall retorted, quickly he yanked off his blankets and pushed himself upright.. No way in hell was he starting the day off on Liam’s bad side. “Where are we going at.. 6am anyway!?” He groaned, glancing down to check the time from where his phone lay on the bedside table. He couldn’t quite fathom how he used to get up at 5am everyday not even that long ago.. All to go punish his body some more on a treadmill. Like everything else though, somedays he was tempted. His thoughts were interrupted when a firmer & louder voice spoke his name. “-I told you yesterday Niall to pack your bags before going to sleep! How did you not remember we were leaving today?” Liam was moving around his room frantically, shoving anything and everything into Nialls two large open suitcases.. Wait, when did he get in here? “Sometimes Niall - I swear to God..” Liam gushed, he was exasperated and Niall was glad his friend had chosen not to finish that sentence. “But Li Li..” Niall tried his luck by stretching his arms out tall for a hug, maybe an innocent Irish pout would do the trick? But it seemed Liam looked even more agitated. “Don’t you LiLi me! Not even close Niall! Get dressed, pack the rest of your things and then breakfast downstairs in 15 minutes.. We are leaving at 6:30 on the dot.. Hurry up!” He left in a whirlwind, and Niall quickly became sensitive.. These darn meds he was taking really screwed with his emotions.. He felt like a girl! Crying at the drop of a hat anytime someone so much as raised an eyebrow at him.. And on top of that, it had really given him the foggiest of memory.. He couldn’t even remember what day it was half the time. “NiNi, dont be upset, Li’s not that angry with you, he’s just stressed this morning.. C’mon, I’ll help you!” Harry extended his hand so Niall could take it. Thank God for cool, calm and collected Harry when you needed him. Harry gave him a quick kiss to the forehead before leading him to his ensuite and handing him some fresh clothes. “Get ready Ni.. I’ll finish your packing..” and with that he closed the bathroom door so he could have some privacy. Like a good boy, Niall swallowed his pills and had a quick shower.. He must do the things that challenged him, he must push past the barriers of his mental illness and fight for what he knows is right! Oh.. Brushing his teeth is also right.. Ditto! Niall left the bathroom with a smile back on his face. 

Niall ambled his way down the hall, Harry was hot on his heels, urging him to walk faster as his long overstretched gait clipped at the back of Nialls feet. “Lay off Haz!” Niall remarked, as he stumbled an inch when Harry rammed the back of his shoe. “Lay forth Niall!! Onwards and upwards.. All proceed with urgency to the coach that awaits your gracing presence outdoors! May we go there!” Harry spoke his tease in a posh manner, the cheek on that boy was mountainous. Niall rolled his eyes, though quickened his pace some more. As sure as he had suspected, they made it on time and all of that added stress was simply unnecessary. Sometimes he wondered why he was the only one on medication... Well, him and Liam that was. When they reached the bus, the other boys were already piling in, and Niall followed suit, clambering over a stretched out Zayn who was taking up a whole row as he tried to put himself back to bed. Niall decided to plop himself at the back of the van, maybe he could get away with another hours sleep too! “Morning Ni.. Here, have this..” Louis gave him a warm smile and a warm flask of hot cocoa.. Liam gave him a scratch on the head as Niall squeezed past them to get to his desired seat.  
“What did you have for breakfast Ni?” Liam asked quietly, not being able to bite back the curiosity. He’d prepared a quick spread for all of them and left it on the kitchen bench.. Unfortunately he was already down at the bus when Niall had staggered down to eat. He knew Harry was waiting for their blonde one, and he trusted him to ensure Niall got something in his tummy. “Um.. Yoghurt.. Fruit..” His younger friend replied, his mouth stretching into a sleepy yawn. Liam hummed in response, unsatisfied with Nialls answer.. There were better choices in that array of food.. Ones to set him up properly for their big day of traveling.. But as the boys kept telling him, he had to let Niall have some freedom, and he had to stop overthinking everything.. It was hard, he persistently worried over the boys health; mental and physical.. He was trying to relax more though, and he definitely had improved this month.. He’d even allowed Niall to start small with Ash again, just once or twice a week.. They were baby steps for all of them.  
“Alright, well morning snack at 8:30 today.. Unless you get hungry earlier, let me know please..” All in all, Liam still couldn’t resist his role as Daddy Direction, no matter what anyone said. Niall raised an eyebrow at him and shrugged it off, Liam would always be Liam. “I get to sit with Ni-all! Woohoo you f*ckers!” Harry stumbled into the van and whacked Zayn in the face with his backpack as he passed. “Piss off Harry!” The wrath of Zayn this early in the morning was not one you wanted to see. “Oh come off it! I didn’t mean to!” Harry leant down to press a kiss onto Zayns nose, earning himself a whacked face in return. “Boys! Shush! The Nialler bear is hibernating! Now be quiet!” Louis chastised, but all was lighthearted, even Zayn was smirking now, sitting up in his seat to glance back at their smallest band mate. “Mm’ not..” Niall grumbled, pulling his pillow down from the window to rest it in his lap instead. Harry teased him, poking his blushed cheeks and pulling Niall in to rest on his shoulder. “Shhh BeeBee.. It okay..” Harry grinned back at the others, who went from looking amused, to kinda jealous within a matter of moments. “Go to sleep darlin.. We’ve got an hour to the airport..” Liam reached over and brushed away a loose strand that had fallen over Nialls eyes. “Way to ruin the fun Liam!” Harry moaned, causing Niall to stir against his shoulder. “Harry shut up! Otherwise you can deal with him when he’s overtired, gets fussy & dosnt want to eat anything..” Liam hissed under his breath, but Niall wasn’t dozing enough to miss it. Liam’s comment seemed to put an end to Harry’s hyperactivity, and the curly haired boy progressed on to the more reserved task of plugging his headphones in.  
Niall followed Liam’s advice and let himself snooze until they arrived at LAX.. To no ones surprise, rush hour was in full throttle. 

“You don’t leave my side okay?” Liam was shaking Nialls shoulders gently as to make his point clear. He could see that the younger boy was hardly listening, instead he was eyeing the hundreds of travellers that were swarmed throughout the airport, just beyond the tinted glass of the vans window. “Niall. Look at me please.” Liam spoke lowly this time and it caused a blush to creep along Ni’s neck as he realised everyone in the bus had fallen silent, all eyes resting on him. “I-I won’t.. I won’t leave..” he mumbled, averting his gaze away from Liam’s when it became too much for him to hold. It had been months now since Niall had been exposed to crowds such as this.. He had no idea how his anxiety would cope after such a long break from, well, this many humans. “No you won’t. You hold onto my hand the entire time. No letting go, understand?” Niall almost rolled his eyes at this, mouth agape as he looked incredulously at his older friend. “Liam! There’s people around, I don’t want to hold your hand! I’ll look like a baby!” He whined, pulling away to glance helplessly at Zayn. “You are a baby!” Harry shouted from his place, still at the back of the van.. Didn’t Liam tell him to shut up already? “Hold onto my arm then Ni.. Or my backpack, I don’t care.. Just, no letting go!” Liam looked serious and Niall wasn’t about to push him any further. He sighed and nodded.. backpack, he could do. “Let’s go everyone!” Paul called from the front seat, Niall braced himself, only for a second, and with that, they were out the door, whisked up by the hordes of people flocking to their terminals, heavy black bags rolling untamed behind them, crushing Nialls feet the moment they hit the tarmac. He felt out of sync, & he watched with wide eyes as the other boys grabbed their luggage and charged straight into the masses of bodies.. Security surrounded them and Paul lead them forward. “Niall!!” Liam shouted, stepping back past his own guard to reach his long arm out towards the younger boy. Niall grasped his hand and let himself be yanked forth, coming to fall in line with Liam’s side. “Hand..” Niall whimpered, glancing up at Liam through already tear flooded eyes. “Hand baby.. Hand..” Liam agreed, his tone pained but gentle, eyes set on the direction they were travelling in. When would he ever learn to listen to his older and wiser, big brother? He felt beside him, that Liam was thinking the exact same thing. 

“Are you okay buddy?” Louis had taken over ‘Niall-watch’ as Liam had ducked away to use the bathroom and gather snacks for their flight. “Mm-yeah.. I just forgot how crazy all this could be.. you know.. with me being off for so long.. I just forgot how the crowds effect me.. It won’t take long, I know I’ll get used to it again soon..” Niall leant in to rest his head on Louis’ shoulder and he hummed as the older boy proceeded to gently pet his soft blonde waves. “You just listen to us okay.. We’ll take care of you.. We’re never going to let you get hurt love..” Louis dropped his head to rest atop of Nialls. “Love you..” Niall smiled, and he felt Louis do the same into his hair above. “Mm.. Love you too bub..”  
Nialls heart swelled, he really did believe that they would protect him no matter what. 

They sat comfortably in their own private waiting area for another half hour until Liam came back with snacks.. It was 8:30 on the dot, Liam never missed a beat. They still had an hour until boarding and this gave them some time to relax and rejuvenate before the dreaded 9 hour flight to London. “NiNi.. Do you want a ham & cheese toastie?” Liam sifted through the plastic bag of takeaway food he’d bought, tossing a muffin across the row towards Harry. “What else?” Niall strained to see what was gathered inside Liam’s goodie hamper. “Hash Brown? Muffin? Toastie. Your choice.” Liam spoke with finality, clearly conveying he had no time for fussiness today. Zayn caught Nialls eye when he reached over into the same bag that Liam held and pulled out a punnet of blueberries, taking them back to his seat at the end of the row beside Harry. Liam tried to be discreet when he threw an irritated look at the older lad, but no one missed it, well, no one except for Zayn. “I want berries..” Niall stated with certitude, and a gut-wrenching sigh rose from deep within Liam’s chest. “Thanks Zayn..” He mumbled before composing himself and taking a seat directly across from Niall and Louis. “That wasn’t one of your options Ni.. You can have some blueberries on the plane, but first, pick one of these please..” Liam held out his breakfast choices and Niall felt his face twisting in defiance.. “Ni, please, don’t start.. Not yet..” Louis huffed from beside him, reaching up to rub at his temples, praying that the impending argument would not come to pass. “Niall, I’ll save you some blueberries!” Zayn called from the end of the isle, now he had caught on, & guilt was bubbling at the centre of him. He really needed to be more careful around Niall. Zayn knew he himself didn’t have the greatest appetite at times, and both he & the boys worried it would trigger Niall if it was showcased around him too much. Zayn had his own struggles.. Nothing compared to what Niall was going through, but sometimes his anxiety got the better of him and his health would slip. He had made a conscious effort though, since Niall got sick, to address his own problems, just as Liam had been doing.. If anything, this whole situation with Niall, had forced all of them to take a good look in the mirror, and confront any demons that may arise in the reflection. Unfortunately, Nialls demons were the hardest to beat. “No, don’t want anything..” Niall muttered, as he shifted his body to sit lower in the seat. Liam leant forward to place one hand on top of Nialls knee, and with the other, he grasped Nialls chin between two fingers, forcing the boy to meet his eyes. “Earlier this morning at the hotel, you didn’t choose to have a solid breakfast, you could’ve had some cereal and toast with your fruit, but you didn’t.. That’s why I am asking you to have something more substantial now, so that you have the energy to get through the day, and so I don’t have to put up with a hungry, grumpy, tired Nialler for the entire plane trip.. Do you understand? And I am not asking you, I am telling you to pick something & to eat it. Now Niall, please.” Liam fucking scared him when he spoke like this, and as much as it pissed him off to do so, Niall gave in & reached into the plastic bag to retrieve the toasted sandwich he had originally been offered. Liam sighed and sat back against his chair.. “Why do we always have to take the long way round Ni?” He groaned, fishing out his own snack from the bag, before handing it over to Louis. “Sorry..” Niall muttered around a mouthful of crispy cheesy goodness.. Fuck, he didn’t even realise he wanted this. Liam raised an eyebrow at him, shaking his head back and forth.. “You’ll be the death of me Ni, I swear!” He moaned, causing Louis to laugh but Niall to cringe..  
“Sorry..” He said again, a little more sincere this time, and when Liam smiled, Niall knew he was forgiven.. 17 times over and furthermore. 

They were seated on their flight now, tucked away up the front in their own private luxury hideaway.. Niall had scored some gum from Zayn and had his headphones in for takeoff. He chose to sit with his dark haired friend as he knew he would be the easiest to fall asleep next to, given the obvious fact that Zayn would be asleep as well. “Are you all good Ni? Do you need anything?” The older lad asked, his hand coming to rest on Nialls knee. Niall looked up at him and blinked owlishly. “M’ tired..” he purred, slumping himself against Zayns shoulder. “I know.. Let’s have a nap babe..” Zayn whispered, leaning back against the head rest and closing his eyes too. They slept in the same position for the first 3 hours and when Niall stirred, he was met with a throng of sweet nothings and a tugging on his head to rest against a shoulder once again.. Niall let himself be lulled back to sleep.. At least for one more hour. The second time he woke, he was more spritely, stretching his arms high above his head and shifting himself upwards in his seat. “Hey NiNi.. You had such a good rest babe..” Zayn murmured from his place leant against the window sill.. He looked as though he had also just awoken. “Yeah.. I did.. How long we got?” Niall grumbled, still slightly unaware and disoriented from his lengthy kip. “Five more hours love.. Liam’s got some lunch for you now..” Zayn motioned to the other boys who were all engrossed in their meals and their movies. Liam seemed busy conversing with one of the cabin staff, something about reheating a meal and did they have any juice to go with that? Niall guessed it was for him.  
“Nialler! Lasagne and salad? Or pot roast?” He called out over the few rows that were occupying the first class suite. “Lasagne and salad please..” Niall tried to be nonchalant in his response, but the truth was, he just wanted the freaking blueberries from this morning!  
Liam brought over his heated meal with the fresh salad to accompany and an orange juice to finish. “There you go Ni.. Good boy for not fussing.. Are you going alright over here? Not sick of Zee yet?” He teased, giving Zayn a poke in the cheek, the older lad looked like he was about to start snoring again. “Liam honestly! Stop..” Zayn groaned, turning the other way to face the window, curling in on himself and scrunching his eyes closed. Niall glanced up at Liam with wide eyes. “Honestly!” He squeaked, causing his older friend to snicker and repeat the mock in his own Birmingham accent. “Hooonestly!” They laughed again and Zayn thumped Niall in the side without even leaving his hiding spot. “Alright, alright.. C’mon Nialler.. Come sit with me for a bit yeah? Leave Zee to his sleep..” Liam gathered some of Nialls things to move to the front aisle. “Does Zayn have to have lunch?” Niall looked back and forth between his two older friends, all the while packing some items he’d scattered around into his backpack. “Yes babe, he’ll have lunch soon.. We all do, everyday.. You know that..” Liam dismissed him (fairly vaguely.) He didn’t want Niall looking into Zayns eating habits too closely.. They all knew Zee didn’t present as the best example when it came down to that area of personal health & care. It wasn’t a huge issue, it was just - the older boy had a very slight appetite, and they didn’t want Niall to think he could follow on in that trend. Liam watched as Zayn acknowledged Nialls departure by turning back around and giving him a quick kiss to the head. “C’mon Ni..” Liam offered his hand to the smaller boy and Niall took it, hoisting himself up to his feet and allowing himself to be lead towards the front of the cabin. Liam’s set up looked cozy, with two pillows propped on top of each other and a blanket shrewd over the leather reclining seats. “You hop in first Ni.. You can have the window..” Liam gestured for him to move forward, and once Niall got comfortable, he slid in next to him, placing his lunch (that was still warm & fresh) on the tray before them. Liam watched from the corner of his eye as Niall slowly but surely munched his food down. Three quarters of the way through his meal, he pushed the plate away and looked up at Liam with fleeting eyes. He had a feeling Niall wouldn’t finish it, and he decided not to push him any further.. It had been a pretty crazy day for his little friend, and Liam knew he had been quite tough on him.. He’d let Niall off the hook with this one. “Good effort love.. You can have some more later if you want..” Liam took the mostly eaten plate of food from Niall and allowed an air hostess to whisk it away. Nialls eyes were drooping now, he knew the feeling well.. Blood rushing to his stomach to help digest a solid portion.. It always left him tired. He felt Liam’s hand grace his right cheek, gently tugging him down to lean against his shoulder. “You need to rest.. C’mon now.. Shhh..” Niall didn’t need much convincing as he let his eyes fall shut, the relief & comfort of sleep washed over him once again. He went soundlessly, letting his body do what it needed to do.. He was getting better at using his intuition & he knew the boys would be proud of him. 

When he woke, he didn’t know what time it was.. He had lost track now.. But he knew that was the third sleep he’d had this flight.. In fact, that’s all he had been doing so far. He hadn’t even watched a movie yet! He lifted his head from his pillow, noticing that he was definitely in a different position than he started. Liam must’ve moved him from his shoulder and reclined his chair for him.. He’d obviously tucked a pillow under his head and cocooned him beneath a blanket. Nialls eyes flickered up to watch the side of Liam’s face, as he drank from a coffee flask and stared intently at the action packed screen before him.. Was that X-men? Niall giggled to himself.. Only Liam.  
He decided to try and sit very still, he didn’t want to notify Liam that he had woken.. He knew that as soon as that happened, Li would stop watching his movie.. Niall didn’t want that.. He wanted his older friend to have this time to himself, to enjoy something relaxing. He was always running around after everyone else (especially Niall..) Always putting their wants & needs before his own. Niall knew he owed it all to Liam, so the least he could do right now, was let the boy watch his show in peace. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and the numbers glowed the time 3:30pm.. Woah, he’d slept for another hour & a half.. This was bound to be the quickest & easiest 9 hour flight ever! Only another 3 hours to go.. That was just one and a half movies! He could do this. He’d have to shift though. He didn’t want to disturb Liam, but since knowing the time, his older friend would’ve been waking Ni any minute to give him his afternoon snack.. So, I guess it didn’t really matter. Niall pushed himself upright and stretched his arms above his head.. There was a crack and a pop as his joints felt the movement after his long day of napping. As Niall suspected, Liam had paused his movie and was removing his headphones. “You alright Ni? How’d you sleep?” He reached out to pet the disheveled blonde hair gently, stroking it back off Nialls forehead. He felt Niall lean into his hand, keen to receive the comfort obviously. “Yeah, you’ve slept half the flight away haven’t you darl’n? That’s good.. You must’ve needed it.” He leant in to press a quick kiss to his nose. Niall smiled bashfully and brushed his big brother away.. “I think so.. I am glad I slept most of the time.. Otherwise I might’ve been a bit anxious..” He admitted, looking up at Liam from underneath his lashes.. He was met with a knowing look. “You’re doing so well Ni.. I understand, it’s been a long time since you’ve been up and about with work and all.. But the progress you’ve made so far, it’s wonderful.. I’m so proud of you baby.. You’re going to be just fine, and if anything looks like it’s becoming too much, well, I’ll be there way before it gets to that point.. Your my responsibility Ni, I’ve always felt that way.. I’m not going to take my eye off you.. Just listen to me, and the boys.. We’re taking care of you, okay?” Liam had brought him into his chest now, squeezing him so tightly that Niall felt his circulation cutting off. “Love you LiLi.. Thankyou.. I’ll try and be good for you.. Try and listen.. Promise..” He squeaked out, voice slightly strained from the intensity of their embrace. Liam released him then, drawing him back at an arms length and studying his face with a sad frown. “You’re always my good boy.. Always! God.. I.. Ohh Ni..” Liam stumbled on his words, his voice breaking slightly in the last moment. Niall watched in confusion as Liam pushed himself out of his seat with haste.. “I’ll get you a snack darl’n..” He whispered, pressing one more quick kiss to Nialls brow before pulling away and heading back down the aisle (away from where the bar fridge was.) Niall turned to look over his seat, locking eyes with Zayn instead. The older boy seemed slightly mystified but when he caught Nialls glance, he smiled at him, in that reassuring way they all liked to do. Niall blinked a few times, eyes wide as he watched and waited for Liam’s return. Zayn seemed to sense his tension from all the way beyond the rows. “Ni, C’mere! I’ve got some blueberries for you, remember? Come have your arvo snack with me..” Zayn summoned him over, his hand patting the empty seat beside him. As Niall moved to go join him, his eyes flitted towards the bathroom that Liam had retreated to. He stopped himself beside Zayn, not taking his seat just yet. “But where’s Li?” Zayn immediately took his hand and tugged him down. “Let’s leave em be for a bit yeah? Here, have some fruit..” Zayn shoved a tub of grapes and blueberries into his hands. Niall sighed and nibbled at his highly sort after punnet of berries, he’d been waiting all day for these, but it wasn’t quite as good as he’d imagined. He leant heavily on Zayns shoulder as the older boy texted with swift fingers. Not even a minute later, Niall watched curiously as Louis arose from his seat down the front & made his way past their row, without even so much as a glance in their direction. He heard the bathroom door close as quickly as it had opened, and Niall once again twisted around in his seat to peer over the top of the head rest. No one was there.. Louis had disappeared into the bathroom - with Liam?  
“Sit down Ni.. It’s okay..” He felt Zayn gently pull at the hem of his shirt. “Let’s watch a movie hey? What do you want to watch?” Niall could tell Zayn was trying to distract him.  
“I-I think I’ll wait for Liam.. Why are they in there together?” Niall plopped himself back into his seat and turned to look at Zayn with wide eyes. “Ni.. It’s okay love.. Sometimes you need to talk to one of us privately.. Don’t you? I think LiLi just needs a moment..”  
Niall knew he was being a pest now, but he couldn’t help but worry whenever he saw a crack in Liam’s armour. “But whyyy?” He pressed on, a deep frown appearing on his soft baby face. He could see slight frustration in Zayns expression now, the older boy gave him a pointed look, so Niall decided it was time to leave it be.

He rested again on Zayns shoulder as they watched a movie together, but Niall was distracted.. He wanted Liam & Louis to hurry up and finish using the toilet together. What on earth was going on in there? Twenty painful minutes later, they emerged one after the other. As Louis passed them, he ruffled Nialls hair playfully and that seemed to help calm his nerves some.. It wasn’t for long though, they came back full force when Liam stopped beside Niall and bobbed down so he was at eye height. Niall looked at him and felt his stomach twist when he noticed Liam’s red rimmed eyes and pained facial expression. “Are you okay here honey? Or do you want to come sit back with me?” Liam reached out and cupped the side of Nialls cheek with his hand, brushing his thumb gently back & forth along the pale & warm skin there. Niall felt his breath hitch in his throat.. Why was his LiLi upset? Niall must’ve done something! Had he done something wrong or bad or disobedient? He racked his brain through everything he’d said on the flight.. Surely there was nothing.. Not since the airport at least.. And Liam had dealt with that already.. Well so he thought!...  
Why was his Liam upset!? Why had Daddy LiLi been crying!? Niall cursed himself in his head when his subconscious let that name slip. But seriously! He couldn’t breathe! He literally couldn’t breathe! “Nialler? What’s wrong? C’mere.. Let’s go sit up the front and have rest hey?”  
“He’s overwhelmed I think Li.. Do you have those Anxiton tablets on you?”  
“Louis has them.. Can you grab two?”  
Niall wasn’t listening to his older brothers, instead he was hunched over now, elbows against his thighs and head bowing between his knees. His breath hitched again, as his pot of blueberries tumbled off his lap & scattered to the floor, dozens of them rolling and chasing each other down the aisle. For some odd reason, that was the last straw.. His berries were gone and so was Liam, and so was Zayn, and so was Louis, and so was Harry! And where the fuck was he right now!? And why the fuck was the air on fucking fire!?  
“D-Da-Daddy! H-help!” His voice was whiny and pathetic and Niall couldn’t believe the words he’d just uttered. Though his lungs were filling with poison so quickly, that he really couldn’t find it in him to care. “Quick! Get him up! Niall sit up for me baby! Listen to me please!” Liam and Zayn had their hands under his armpits, hoisting his slack torso into an upright position. When Liam got a good glance at the younger boys face, he knew instantly, Niall was having a panic attack. “Alright! Up we go!” Liam wasted no time as he scooped Niall out of his seat and carried him down towards the open lounge at the front of their cabin. The younger boy clung to his body like a Koala bear.. His breathing was erratic and his eyes frantic. “Louis! Can you get him a damp washer please?” Liam called out, hoping to God he sounded more confident than he really was at this point in time. Zayn had moved everything from one side of the couch and there was a clear space for Niall to be set down. Liam lowered him carefully so he was seated and Harry came beside him to ensure he would remain that way. “Nialler, listen to me lad.. Can you hold my hands and squeeze them as tight as you can? Try it for me please.. C’mon..” Liam moved his hands from on top of Nialls to underneath and waited for the younger boy to respond. “C’mon NiNi.. Listen to Li.. You can do it..” Harry’s voice was a soft hum that was barely heard above Nialls wheezing. Liam’s insides twitched with anxiety as he watched Nialls face lose even more colour before him. “Oh Jesus.. Oh please..” he whimpered under his breath.. Keep it together Liam.. Keep it together! Louis had returned with the damp cloth, he was laying it over the back of Nialls neck, and Liam was grateful for his help, he was grateful for anyone’s help. The state of their most vulnerable and innocent member was definitely not improving, and Nialls eyes were starting to roll. “No.. NO!! I’m NOT dealing with this again Niall! You listen to me!!” He reached his hands up to Nialls shoulders and shook them back and forth. “Li.. Li! It’s okay mate..” He heard Zayn beside him, his hands were tugging him away from their blonde friend. “No! No Zayn! Just let me be with him.. Ni! Please baby..” Liam hadn’t realised he’d been sobbing until there was no other place for his snot to go except into his mouth. “Shhh.. Lili.. I got you too babe.. We’ve got you in our sights.. You need to trust us..” Zayn was whispering into his ear and Liam was buried into the crook of his neck. They were walking.. shuffling.. away from the others now, and there was no more sound from Niall behind them. Liam knew, without even looking, that his little one would’ve passed out. “Oh-h Ni-Niii..” He cried and cried and fell into a heap beside Zayn at the back of their suite. It was so unusual for the boys to hold Liam like they had to now, but Zayn told him over and over that they would never, ever let him go. As Zayn provided comfort to Liam, Harry and Louis helped Niall. They showered him, dressed him and fed him.. He was okay.. They got him to come around.. He needed more sleep though, and Louis had a fleeting thought as he carried Niall down the aisle, that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t ready to go back to this level of work again. Their tour was so soon, and if he was honest, Louis was completely and totally unsure of how Niall was going to cope, and if Niall didn’t cope, Liam wouldn’t either. And with Liam out.. well.. none of them would be okay, and that was that! 

“Oh these Virgos, such hard work..” Louis chastised, quietly pressing a kiss to Nialls cheek as he lowered the boy into Liam’s lap. Zayn smiled as he watched the two embrace each other on instinct.. They were both still asleep. Liam’s arms went to circle the blonde boy, sheltering him from view. Louis sighed with exhaustion.. “Even in sleep he can’t help it..” He mumbled, patting the top of Nialls head, the only part of him visible now. “It’s his greatest asset, but also his biggest downfall that heart of his..”  
Zayn nodded in agreement, he knew Louis was talking about Liam.. It was true.. Liam had a Lions heart.. It was large, majestic, mighty and golden.. But it also never allowed him to rest.. His desire to protect and provide was so strong, it got in the way of reality sometimes, much to Liam’s detriment! And none of them were pleased by this. The last thing they needed was a 2nd member out of action.. No.. They needed each other to be happy, healthy and well! No. More. Tears! No. More. Pain! That was Zayns wish for the all the candles he’d ever blown! For all the songs he’d ever sung.. For all the blueberries he’d ever eaten!  
Whoever’s listening up there! Stars? Planets? God? Come ON & help them deliver!

X.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daddy LiLi aww :( xxx


	9. *AUTHOR NOTE*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *NOT A CHAPTER - AUTHOR PERSONAL NOTE*

LIFE IN A BIRDCAGE is based on the true events of my own journey.. The situations I have written about have happened to me in my own life (obviously not in the setting of the story.) I don’t own 1D, no credit taken. But my writing is close to my heart as it is taken from my own personal experience. 

Thankyou from the bottom of my soul to anyone who reads my stories! It is so, SO touching to me.. 😌🙏🏼 XXX


	10. London days, London nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels like home.. Filled with all the good stuff.. ❤️  
> Nouis fest, I love big brother Lou! 😌

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it feels non-eventful/short.. It’s kinda a jointing chapter, but I also think it’s a beautiful one & I can relate to the feels here. There’s nothing like home & all the little things! 😍💭

Niall hummed softly, wrapping his knees to his chest as someone placed a throw over him from above, he didn’t bother to glance up to see who it was.. He appreciated the gesture either way. He was in his own apartment - finally. London Calling played over and over in his head as he gazed out the tall glass window that stretched from floor to ceiling.. He’d almost forgotten how lovely his own home was.. How much he actually liked it. He was so glad to be back.. so, so glad. It was familiar.. It was comforting.. It was cozy, yet dreary.. It was warm, yet bitterly crisp.  
And it was far. It was far, far away from LA.. The place that held some raw memories for him.. Some open wounds.. He wasn’t sure he wanted to revisit them.. not yet at least.  
So London it was.. and he welcomed it with open arms, and it did the same to him.  
As he stared out into the abyss of city lights, he absentmindedly listed the hours he’d slept during their travel.. It had been a lot! Their flight had arrived in the early hours of the morning and they had all insisted on staying at Nialls place for the rest of the day.. Just until both he and Liam were stable again.. Those last few hours on the plane had been pretty rough for the two of them. It was safe to say, they were all glad to be home. Niall strained his head back to look at his bandmates.. They were all there.. Harry & Liam packing some fresh groceries into his fridge, and it seemed Zayn & Louis were being inundated with text messages to reply to. He sighed with content.. He hoped at least one of them were as happy as he was right now.  
“What’s the saying again? When you’re sick of London, you’re sick of life? That’s it! Yep.. That’s correct.. Who said that?” Niall smiled, properly smiled for the first time that day.  
“Oh Ni.. Its; ‘When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life..’ C’mon.. You knew that!”  
Niall rolled his eyes as Louis was a smart ass and that was nothing new. “‘For there is in London, all that life can afford!’ Wise words, ‘twas Mr Samuel Johnson I believe..”  
Niall giggled at this.. Sitting up now, to gaze in wonder at his older friend. “Why do I even try? I can’t compete with your intellect Lou..” he laughed.. And it was comments like this, that he was forbid to say anymore. Given the nature of his light hearted remark, one would assume it was harmless (which it was!) Oh but nowadays, they took everything far too literally. “Now Niall, you know that’s not true! You’re very smart and very gifted.. Don’t talk yourself down love.” Louis had changed the direction of his tone, he was serious.. He wanted Niall to know, that yes, he was just as intelligent & quick witted & charmingly charismatic as all his bandmates were. All jokes aside, Louis took it upon himself to protect Nialls self worth.. He knew how the illness of Nialls mind could twist and manipulate words and replay them over and over in his head. Louis would absolutely hate himself if he didn’t put a stop to something that may/or may not have been impending.. He wouldn’t take the risk with Niall.. Not anymore. “Oh Lou! I didn’t mean it that way, calm down.. I’m not gonna go & off meself just cause you finished a line I couldn’t..” Niall was still trying to bite back a chuckle.. He was just gonna have to get used to the boys being.. well.. extremely over-protective for the next... no.. probably for the rest of his life. “Niall! Don’t say that please! Please.. don’t use those words..” Liam spoke up from his place at the kitchen bench, he was chopping pumpkin into thick slabs and ladling them with olive oil and dried herbs. Niall felt a pang of guilt pulse through his body as he looked into Liam’s glistening eyes.. The older lad was still sensitive from the mishap that occurred towards the end of the flight.. Niall pinched himself.. He shouldn’t have been so crass. Liam had always been his provider, his protector, his big brother.. But right now, he was obviously going through a tough time, Niall should be the first one to understand that! He made a mental note to be more delicate with his language around him, and to maybe chat to Louis about the situation. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was that Liam was dealing with, he just knew it had sparked off really badly around the time he’d been released from hospital. He knew that Liam was stressed about everything to do with Niall, Niall, Niall.. He couldn’t help feel like it was all his fault! That his friends mental health had declined all because of him & his stupid bloody sickness! He took a breath to compose himself, glued his eyes back to Liam and nodded, he would listen to him, he would listen! He’d told him that on the plane just hours ago. “Yes LiLi.. I’m really sorry..” he let his gaze falter and went to resume his staring into the bustling world beyond the glass.. “It’s okay beautiful.. I love you..” Liam’s voice was cautious, with heartbreaking sincerity. The other boys almost felt as though they were intruding, but they knew that no matter what, they all needed to be together.. Together they were stronger.. And strength was priority in order for them to make it through this season. 

That night Niall unpacked his suitcase. He sifted through his belongings, the ones he hadn’t seen in so long.. The ones that lay in his closet, on his desk, in his room gathering dust for the many months he’d been away from home. It provoked nostalgic memories.. And when Niall came across a small picture frame, wedged in tightly at the back of his drawer, he let his tears fall.. They slipped down his cheeks, landing intrusively onto the blemished glass that held a precious photo of his Mother. She looked young, so young.. She cradled a baby in her arms, it was him.. He was just months old. The way she looked at him, like he was the only light in the world, a gentle smile graced her face, and Niall could tell, that in the photo she was also close to tears. He took a shuddering breath and brought the frame to his chest, pressing it firmly against his heart. He hoped the love he felt in that moment would radiate across the sea and settle in the homes of his most dearest family. After another minute, he forced himself away from the drawer that was filled with sentimental keepsakes.. Of course it brought him joy.. but it also brought pain, and he couldn’t deal with much of that right now. He placed the gold rimmed possession on his bedside table.. That way, upon waking every morning, he would remember where he came from.. He would remember to be thankful for the people who had got him here.. And if a bad day arose (which it would,) he would remember the reason he needed to keep on fighting. Next to the picture of him and his Mum, he set down another frame he’d found in his search for God knows what. This one held a photo of the boys.. All of them were smiling.. happy.. maybe even innocent - if that word could remotely be applied to anyone.. it was him. His hair was longer, swept around his face, outlining his soft & rounded out features. The light in his eyes.. The sweat on his brow.. The pink in his cheeks.. Niall could almost see the blood pulsing beneath the surface.. He could almost hear the sound of his heart thumping strong. He could almost believe that this photograph was not that, but instead a painting.. A moment someone had intended for them to live.. but it was one they never had. The idyllic vision of youth.. the purity.. his boyhood.. so inexperienced.. so gullible, the negligence of them all.. It was admirable! Optimism shone from the faces that stared back at him. The beauty of freedom, without shackles, his chains amiss. His breath hitched in his throat and Nialls eyes were clouded over once again. 

His bedtime routine provoked another strange yet familiar sensation.. Standing underneath his rain shower, the scent of his favourite vanilla shampoo attacking the air. Brushing his teeth whilst gazing at his reflection in the mirror.. Imagining his face as he had seen it in the photograph. Maybe being home was a good, good thing.. An excellent thing. He was glad to feel the cooler weather as he picked out some plaid cotton pajama pants and tugged them on. It was Autumn now.. He knew the next few weeks would see temperatures plummet... He also knew how many rainy days would follow. He was grateful for his stocked wardrobe, but most of his coat jackets and denim jeans had price tags stuffed in the pockets, and Niall cringed when he realised he’d barely worn any of the clothes he’d left behind. On top of that, he wasn’t sure he would fit them anymore.. He bit down on his lower lip, trying to push beyond the shame that was building in his chest.. Some people have nothing.. Some people have nothing.. He willed it away again & again.. He really didn’t have time to feel this way right now. He swore to himself that he would deal with it tomorrow.. He’d add it to his growing list of ‘ways to self improve..’ and donate the clothes to a community in need... But right now, he was in need - in desperate need of sleep.  
He crawled into his bed, pulling his covers to his chin. Before turning it off, he glanced at his phone to check the time.. Much too late Liam would say.. 11:30 was not an eligible time to go to bed. He wondered in surprise why no one had been up to check on him for that matter. Hmm, he bet they had all carked it as well.. Probably didn’t even make it to their respective guest rooms. Still - he missed someone being there to tuck him in.. Wow.. it sounded so childish when he put it like that.. His thoughts were interrupted when his door inched open, a small stream of light flooded in from the vaguely lit hallway. “He’s a good boy.. Put himself to bed..” Someone whispered.. Now he knew there was two of them. He was facing the wall so he couldn’t see who it was, but he assumed by the comment, the person who spoke was Louis. He kept his eyes closed as he heard gentle footsteps approaching. “Nigh night baby..” Of course, it was Liam.. Niall sighed at that, still his eyes were shut, but he reached his arms up to cling around his friends neck. “You’re supposed to be asleep hmm? Now it looks like I’ve woken you up, and I’m gonna get in trouble for that..” Liam chastised, it was too dark to see, but Niall knew he was smiling. “Liam! Leave him be! C’mon!” Louis hissed under his breath from the doorway, obviously not wanting to deal with a clingy Nialler anymore than they already had today. “Sorry! Sorry.. He was already awake! Weren’t you Ni?” Liam chuckled, planting a kiss against Nialls brow and then one more against his fluttering lashes. “Nooo.. Was fast asleep.. Don’t leave.. Want cuddles..” Niall played the game a little bit too well, smirking at Liam who looked ready to slap his bottom. “You naughty thing!” He gasped, bringing his hands beneath Nialls underarms and squeezing firmly.. This provoked a squeal to erupt from Ni’s behalf and he arched his back to shy away from the approaching doom. “Alright, alright.. Shh.. Lou’s right, off to sleep..” Liam laughed again, though this time his hands were soothing, stroking back the hair that had fallen forward across Nialls face. “Shhh.. Shhhh..” Niall let his eyes rest again, his fist bunched the fabric on the sleeve of Liam’s t-shirt, and he didn’t want to let go. “You stay?” He mumbled, his voice seemed tired now, and how could Liam possibly say no to a sleepy Nialler. “We’ll all be here in the morning babe.. Lucky you’ve got enough bedrooms for everyone..” Liam responded, gently prying Nialls hand from where it clung to him. Niall whined at this, maybe Louis was right, Liam shouldn’t have come in.. because as much as he hated to admit it.. now he was clingy. “Nialler.. You’re okay.. Be a big boy.. You’re finally in your own bed.. That’s nice isn’t it? You need a good sleep honey.. And so do I..” Liam was pushing himself up from his knees, and Niall knew he was gonna leave him. “Don’t you ave good sleep weh me?” Liam raised an eyebrow at that and shook his head back and forth. “Don’t try and manipulate me.. I see what you’re doing..” He gave him a ruffle to the hair and turned to head towards the door. “Sleep well.. Love you Ni.. See you in the morning bug..” Niall grumbled in response but couldn’t ignore the affection. “Love you LiLi..”  
He let himself relax into his cloud-like bed & it didn’t take long before it carried him up, up and away into a fairytale dream land.

The next morning he was jumping, he had beans in his pants.. He had energy.. He had slept so much the past two days due to the travel and jet lag, he’d definitely acquired enough hours to last him a whole week plus some! He bounded down the stairs upon realising that yes! He was still in London! He was still in his own house.. Maybe Liam would let him see Ash today? He took the last step, landing on the platform of the ground level.. Oh.. Ohhh.. Well that was an issue.. He hadn’t even thought about the people he’d left behind in LA.. Yeah sure Ash lived there, but he was Nialls trainer.. Surely he was on a flight to London now? Niall wasn’t about to start training with someone else.. Someone new! No way! Someone who didn’t know a thing about what he’d been through? No thanks.. He wanted Ash. He added that to the list of things he needed to talk to Louis about.. Or Liam? No.. Not to bother Liam.. Louis would do. He continued his way towards the kitchen, he could smell eggs. Surprisingly he felt as though he could stomach a couple of those this morning.. Maybe even a rasher of bacon.. Half a hash brown.. A slice of toast.. Some baked beans.. And was that sausages he could smell? “Hey Nialler! How are ya? Did you sleep okay?” Louis was leaning against the marble countertop, lazily sipping at his cup of tea, not bothering to turn down the heat on the stove as his ‘Full English’ charred away in the pan beneath him. Niall smiled at him warmly and went to stand beside him at the island bench.  
“Yeah Lou.. It’s so good to be home.. Didn’t realise how much I’ve missed this..” He hummed, reaching across to turn the gas dial down a notch. “Not so much your cooking.. But yeah.. Just London.” He laughed, and Louis bought him in for a quick hug. “You’re rotten.. Go watch TV.. Golfs on.. I feel like it’s all that’s on to be honest.. You must’ve subscribed to at least 50 programs devoted to that sport and that sport only..” Louis rolled his eyes and turned back to refill the kettle and flip it to boil. Niall shrugged, he’d happily take Louis’ advice and set himself comfy on the lounge.. It had been a while since he had caught up on any Golf news.. Two days to be exact. He sighed in content, he was happy, he was awake, Louis was here.. and maybe it was the perfect time to talk to him about those few things. “Lou.. Can I ask you something?” He called out over his shoulder.. He knew his older friend wouldn’t turn down a serious conversation starter. Louis was serving food now, onto two different plates, he looked up as he continued to drown his eggs & sausages in tomato sauce.. That was the most multitasking Niall had ever seen the lad do. “Of course Ni.. What is it love?” His voice was back to being gentle, calm, warm and inviting.. He wanted Niall to know that aside from his sick sense of humour, he would always be there for those discussions more important in nature. “I just.. There’s a few things I wanna know.. Like, about what’s on the cards for here in London.. Tour and stuff.. Like where everyones gonna live? Are we all going back to our own places.. I’m not sure I wanna be alone yet.. and my training.. I just want Ash to be here.. Like.. he could live with me? I don’t care! And Liam, I don’t know if it’s me or-“  
“Ni! Ni, It’s okay.. Oh love, it’s alright.. We were gonna sit down and discuss all this today anyway.. But just one thing at a time okay? It’s all gonna work out just fine.” Louis was making his way towards him now, carrying two full plates of breakfast, cutlery stacked on top. He handed one to Niall, before taking a seat across from the blonde boy, setting his own food in his lap. “Alright.. First things first.. Yes, we’re all staying in London, we’ll all go back to our own places, probably this arvo we’ll head off.. But no, we aren’t going to leave you hanging Niall.. We would never do that. Liam and I were discussing some options last night.. We thought, maybe once a week I could stay here with you, and the next week Liam could stay here.. Then once a month you could go stay with Zayn or Hazza at their place.. Whoever you choose.. Just until you get back on your feet.. And before you know it, we’ll all be on tour together and we’ll be living in each others pockets again.” Louis smiled and sat back against the couch, taking a mouthful of bacon and swallowing it whole. “So, I’ll never be alone?” Niall asked, looking hopeful at his older friend. “No.. Niall never! You’ll never be alone when you’re in need.. There’s no way I would allow that.. Neither would the others.. Can you imagine how much we would fret if we were to just leave you here to fend for yourself.. All alone in this big house? Coming out of what you’ve been through? No.. Sorry Niall, but I don’t trust you enough to do that..” He almost laughed towards the end of his sentence but caught himself to remain firm.  
“I know.. I’m grateful.. Thankyou..” Niall looked down to his meal and chose to pick up some toast and dip it in his runny egg. “Niall.. I’m so proud of you.. You are trying so hard and doing so well.. We’ll always be here for you love.. You don’t have anything to worry about.. And as for Ash.. well, we’ll see about him coming on tour with us yeah? Until then, you can see Mark.. He’s all up to date, he’ll look after you okay?” Lou was convincing himself just as much as he was Niall.. It seemed to be working. “Okay.. Yeah okay.. I’ll give it a go.. And how about Liam? I-I’m not sure what to do..”  
“Ni, you don’t have to do anything buddy.. Li’s gonna be okay.. He is okay.. He’s just dealing with some anxiety at the moment, you knew that. The best thing you can do for Liam, is to look after yourself and behave yourself..” Louis chuckled, he was half joking but also deadly serious. Though he knew Niall would get his point. “I know, I know.. Why does everyone always have to tell me that!” Niall rolled his eyes and shifted his body so he was facing the TV now, deciding it was time to tune into the game if Louis was just gonna lecture him. He heard Louis snicker once more before switching his attention to the screen also. They sat in comfortable silence as Lou downed his breakfast and Niall picked at his. He made it through two eggs, one piece of toast, two strips of bacon and half a sausage before he could no longer push himself any further. Louis seemed satisfied with his attempt and went to clear his plate, giving him a pat on the back as he passed. “Good boy.. I’m putting this on the bench and you can have more later if you want it..”  
Niall hummed a Thankyou in response and let his legs stretch out to the end of the lounge. He was too distracted by the scores to hear when the others made their way downstairs. He didn’t even look up when one of them dropped a kiss to his forehead and whispered a ‘Morning Nialler’ into his ear. “Someone’s glad to have his telly back..” Zayn spoke a little too loud as an attempt to knock Niall out of his stupor. “Earth to Niall!?” Harry was in his face now, and of course that was enough to snap him out of his trance. “Harry! I can’t see the play! Move!” He squirmed to rid himself of Harry’s stronghold but the younger boy was set on teasing him. “I’m stuck! I can’t get up!” Harry cried out, flopping his body forward so it was heavy over Nialls torso. “Piss off! Piss off Harry! Zayn help me!”  
The older boys seemed to enjoy the antics of Harry and Niall and every now & then, they just let it pan out. “Li! Leeyummm!!!” Niall was in a fit of painful laughter now, as Harry attacked his sides with his fingers. “H-help m-meee! Ahhhhh!!!”  
Okay, so he was on his own then.

😀😀😀 

It was such a pleasant day they’d had. Niall was looking forward to many, many more London days such as this. He knew they wouldn’t mostly be as easy though.. They were back to work tomorrow, and Niall had just been out with Louis to finish the grocery shopping.. The others had gone home now, Louis had to force Liam & Zayn out the door and into their cars. They’d decided that he would stay with Niall for the first week and Liam would takeover the next. He was looking forward to spending some quality time with his little Nialler.. Maybe they could get out and have a beer together.. He wouldn’t be telling Liam that.. This was gonna be fun!  
They settled on steak, mash and veg for dinner that night, and Louis decided that it was time to get Niall back into the kitchen.. Just to get used to it again.. Obviously they’d barred him from cooking for so long, the poor boy had probably forgotten how to peel a carrot! Louis set Niall up at the sink and watched carefully as he got to work on the carrots and potatoes. Niall looked up when he felt Louis’ presence directly beside him. “Lou! I’m peeling vegetables! It’s not like I’m gutting a pig!” He laughed, and shifted further away from his older friend, dangling the half peeled carrot in front of him like it was diseased. “Ooooooh watch out Louis! Fuck me, this carrot is out of control!” He threw his head back and cackled, and Louis couldn’t help but feel delighted at the sound. This was the sort of thing he’d missed for oh so long.. His crazy-assed, carefree, always joking, always laughing little Nialler.. It almost brought a tear to his eye.. But in typical Louis-fashion he ripped back at his younger friend.. “Oh sod off you Irish boar.. And get at it! You’ve still got the potatoes to do yet!” They both laughed their way through dinner and then laughed some more at the movie they decided to watch. Louis was remembering all the good times he’d had with his little lad, they’d always shared a special bond. It had been put on hold there for a while.. Just with everything that had been going on.. But he was seeing glimpses of light through the tunnel now. Maybe, just maybe, he was getting his best Nialler back. His little pal.. The one that would always without a doubt, laugh at his jokes - good, or bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh!! Picture frames, hot showers, vanilla candles, cooked breakfasts, tv days, new pajamas, grocery shopping, movie nights, cups of tea, tickles with friends, hugs with friends, everything with friends! All my favourite things.. Comfort, self love, self care! Treat yourself to one of your favourite things!  
> 💕 xxxx
> 
> Happy International Women’s Day..   
> We are mighty strong, yet soft, empathetic and nurturing all at once.. Our bodies, our minds & our souls are all individually crafted works of art. Know that you are worthy and loved and you are royalty, you’re a princess! I love you! X

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the read, yes I am theatrical with my writing style.. It’s a creative release lol! Sorry if it was too much eek!  
> All relationships are friendships/brotherly love.. I don’t write boyxboy.
> 
> Comment & prompt below.. More chapters to come, but only if they are wanted! Hope to hear from you guys! X 😀👍🏼


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